Stress Category

Sunday, November 22nd, 2009

Listing

Dang… I have so much to think about now…

I’m so tired, emotionally spent.
Listing…

So much to do
So much to list…

* Have to contact the drug companies and update them…
Need to change my contact and mailing info and see how this unemployment affects my status and / or programs eligibility. Hopefully nothing to worry about.

* Check out unemployment, if I qualify.

Finding another job will be difficult due to my health situation. I often go in late cuz the mornings are difficult for me. Sometimes the headaches keep me up at night, or wake me up throughout the night; sometimes I get very little sleep, or I have to take sleeping aids so that my sleep is not real rest. I miss some work for Doctor appointments and have tests and procedures…

The meds have side effects like memory issues and balance problems and the Hand and Foot Syndrome has the tips of my fingers and toes ultra sensitive and splitting and I’m wearing band-aids and finger cots on my fingers.

I’ve applied for unemployment twice in my life, but never have collected cuz I always got a job before I got my benefits. This will be a new situation for me and not one that I am proud of.

* Need to get back onto Auctiva and start TeamDenise’s eBay account and start selling again.
I lost confidence in my selling in March of 2008. I need to get it back.

* Need to get my fundraiser project back on track.
Yes, I’m tired, yes I’m tired of feeling like a beggar… but it’s not getting done and I want to keep myself alive, so that means money. And there will be even less money than there was before, so I need to get out there and do it.

And
* Waiting for the results of my PET scan…
Scared of what they will showed. Hopeful, but so scared.

I’m so tired… but what can I do with this
Listing?

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Saturday, November 21st, 2009

Stun Gunned

I’m stunned.
Just walking around in a daze
I don’t think this has hit me yet
Cuz I’m not “feeling” it
I just feel
Blasted and
Stunned.

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Friday, November 20th, 2009

Job Nazi

No Job For You.
That You
Would be Me.

Me
Suddenly.
Unexpectedly.
Without a Job.

I was informed today, before I left the office for my infusion, that my current contract will end on November 30 2009.

The contract company called and told me.
On the phone.
My Manager was out of the country on business, then on vacation.
The contract company told me.
On the phone.
My Manager has known since at least November 13th
At least 2 weeks ago
He had promised me
That he would always let me know
What was going on with the job situation
He didn’t say a word.
The contract company was the one who told me
On the phone.

I’m not understanding what happened…. I’ve been working this job for almost 2 years, and each review has been positive. Last yearly review, I got a $2/hr raise.

I was not told that the position was open so that I could apply for it.
I knew they were trying to open it,
But I didn’t know it had been done.
I.did.not.even.know.

My Supervisor, was also on vacation and called me asking what the heck was going on. When he left for vacation he said that he would be “unreachable” and only to contact him if it was a Total emergency. And he contacted me.
Wanting to know
What was happening.

This is a Huge stress for me.
This is a Huge stress for me emotionally,
This is a Huge stress for me financially,
This is a Huge stress for me health-wise.
This Stress is not good when fighting cancer
This Stress is not good in this battle
This has hit me with a Huge stress.

HOW am I gonna find another job with the support system that I had with this one? The support system that I Thought I had at this one…

Somehow, I can’t help but think that this has something to do with the interview I went on, when I disclosed that I am fighting cancer. Disclosed because I thought it was the ethical thing to do.

How Ethical Is This?

My cancer was something that the main HR did not know. The job I didn’t get. Just too much of a coincidence…

So… No Job For Me.

Happy Holidays to You Too, ExxonMobil.

What am I going to do…?

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Wednesday, November 18th, 2009

Heady Presumptions

The prescription for steriods is long completed, but I’m still having some soreness in my lymph nodes under my neck and the headaches are coming and going. Yes – headaches are side effects of several of the meds that I am taking, but it just seems that the headaches have increased lately.  More in number and more severe in pain.

It’s scary.
I’m scared.
My head hurts

I have a PET scan coming up tomorrow, so – depending on the results – might discuss having a head/brain scan run in the near future. I realize that the cancer spreads in an “anticipated path” – bones, liver, then to brain. Hopefully the PET will show that my liver is still clear, so we can Presume that my brain is clear.

Presume…
What a brave word
to Presume.
Almost like Faith.

Presuming Faith.

My head hurts.

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Saturday, November 14th, 2009

Push Me Pull Me…

…tear me apart

I feel like I’m fighting the old saying “one step forward, two steps back”. Except for me, it’s one step forward, then push me off my feet, onto my butt.

My Dad got a company car, so my Folks gave me their 2002 Hyundai since my “old” (2001) Ford Explorer needed so many repairs to the undercarriage and body – leaf springs, shocks, struts, back hatch, hood, rear left panel, blah blah blah blah blah… Dad put new tires on the Hyundai, and had it all checked out, got things fixed so that I would not have anything vehicle-related to worry about for a while, to take some stress off of me.

Less stress = peace of mind.

Stress is not good for fighting cancer.

Phew.  I was relieved.  Less stress is a Good thing, Especially right now!

My luck… I’ve had to put over $900.00 into the Hyundai to date – things that just happen to start going wrong. And it’s in the shop again.  Leaking from the… sunroof…?  Roof racks…?  Doesn’t matter where from, it’s leaking… when it rains, it is Wet Inside.

Push me back.

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Thursday, November 12th, 2009

Guilt by Association

This cancer has me
by such a grip
gripping my perception
gripping my outlook
has warped my sense of reality
to the point
to simply participate
in previously everyday activities
the mundane situations
of life
leaves me feeling guilty
of such pleasures
feeling guilty
that I am trying
to live
normally

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Tuesday, October 20th, 2009

Test Results – Tumor Markers #6

My PCP‘s office faxed my lab results…

Last Friday (Oct 16 2009), I had the bloodwork drawn to track my tumor markers. It was draw #6. I’ve been having Very Good Results to-date, however this time we see some increases that make me a bit uneasy…

This blood draw was for the monthly tests (most specifically my CEA Tumor Markers)…

April 15, my baseline CEA tumor markers were 63.1 ng/mL (nanograms per milliliter). This is High, as Norm is 0.0-3.0 ng/mL.
I honestly don’t know how high “really high” is, but – in my internet searching – I read one gal talk about the mid-200′s, so I guess my high is not That high, but It’s High To me.
June 03, my 2nd draw CEA tumor markers were 35.9 ng/mL
July 03, my 3rd draw CEA tumor markers were 12.8 ng/mL
August 27, my 4th draw CEA tumor markers were 3.9 ng/mL
September 18, my 5th draw CEA tumor markers were 3.3 ng/mL
* October 16, my 6th CEA tumor markers are 3.2 ng/mL
3.2 = a .1 DECREASE from last month – this is acceptable and getting closer to normal!

The CEA numbers are still dropping and I’m pleased with that, though they are dropping in smaller increments… I’ll feel better when I’m within the “normal” range.  I Still I wish I was confident with just how much this meant, but this (CEA: The Test) continues to answer Some of my questions…

Still hoping that this all means Something Good…  Something…

My Other Numbers as of October 16 2009 blood test results:

* CA-12510 U/mL (Reference @ 0-35)
a 3 point INCREASE – up from 7 U/mL from September’s draw, I’m not sure how to feel about this… I’m not happy, but don’t know whether to be worried or not as it is still well within the normal range, in fact is very low normal range.

* CA 15-3: 16 U/mL (Reference @ <32)
a 1 point DECREASE – down from from 17 U/mL from September’s draw; I’m not going to stress 1 point since one point variation is acceptable and I am well within the normal range, in fact in the low end of normal.

* CA 27.29 (see CA15-3 above): 30 U/mL (Reference @ <38)
an 11 point INCREASE – up from 19 U/mL from September’s draw.  To me, this is a Huge increase and concerns me a great deal.  I’m still within normal ranges, though I am in the high end of normal now.

The CA 27.29 test is used to monitor your:

  • Response to treatment
  • Status of your cancer
  • Possibility of early recurrence

I’m not sure how I feel about these CA 27.29 numbers… while I’m Very Glad they are still within the normal range, the increase scares the crap out of me.  What scares me so much is that “if your CA 27.29 levels rise, it may indicate that your cancer is progressing or spreading.”  Is this increase enough to be concerned about?  However, “some non life–threatening conditions may also cause CA 27.29 to show up in your blood (ovarian cysts and benign conditions of the breast, liver and kidneys)”, and I DO have Fibrocystic Breast Disease (a “benign condition of the breast”), so That is something in itself to consider… On The Other Hand, I DO have a malignant condition – cancer…

I guess I’ve been “so used” to the good results, to the numbers dropping so dramatically, that this change has really hit me, has reminded me of what I am dealing with, what I am fighting, what is on the line here… my life.

Cancer is what I am dealing with

My life is what I am fighting for

My Life is what is on the line

My Life.

Stress… yes, Lots of stress.  The stress is beating me down.

Both Dr. Deleon and Dr. Khan have advised me to wait and see what happens next month before I become overly concerned.  Dr. Deleon also mentioned that stress can cause tumor markers to rise slightly, and this whole situation IS FREAKING STRESSFUL.  PLUS, I Have cheated on my diet and had some sugar in the past 2 weeks that I should NOT have had… which could be another factor.

So… chill out.

Easy to say.

I am so scared…

Bottom line – we are Hopeful that the PET / CT scan next month will show what is going on, and hopefully will show as much progress as the previous PET / CT scan!

Breathing…. and

Visualizing my Dragons
Still visualizing their Riders,
Still visualizing my Dragons breathing fire,
Still visualizing their Riders wielding their lasers
Burning the tumor,
Burning each evil cell
Into ash.

Burning Burning Burning Each Evil Cell.

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Monday, October 19th, 2009

Awaking of Sadness

Last night and into this morning

I awoke

several times,

with such a sense of deep

and extreme

sadness

emptiness

loneliness

Such an aching

to my heart

to my soul

so overpowering

I reached out

for comfort

and found

no one

as usual.

Monday, September 28th, 2009

Painful Reminder

I remember when I first found the lump in my breast

and over the following months

Everyone asked me

My Friends
My Mom
My Doctors

“is it painful”

and I replied
Yes, it was painful

And I was reassured
“cancer doesn’t hurt”

Yet
I have cancer.

So now

when my breast hurts
as it has been doing lately
I wonder
what is going on

should I be concerned
or not

since

cancer doesn’t hurt.

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Tuesday, September 8th, 2009

Stress Me Out.

Stress Overload.

I have it

Every day.

The things currently on my mind…

* HER2 increase of 5.2

* Not enough money for September meds

* Burzynski $1,500 “Medication Management” fee

* Rejection by my PCP to handle Rx reorders

* Xeloda PAP Eligibility Denial

These are the things on my mind

Constantly on my mind

Every day.

Every day, my survival is on my mind.

Every.single.day.

Every morning, when I take those pills, I’m reminded…

Throughout the day, when I take those pills, I question…

Every night, when I take those pills, I wonder…

Every.Single.Time.

Constantly

Every.Single.Moment.

I feel as though I am hanging on by that one last last thread and have no where to turn, no one to turn to, no one to reach out to keep me from falling.

to keep me

from loosing it

totally.

Stress Overload.
I Definitely Have It.

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