Overload Category
Saturday, December 19th, 2009
About 2am I started feeling crummy – most probably from the infusion yesterday. Took some Tylenol and went back to sleep. I’ve been feeling crummy all day. Just hanging out at home.
I’ve been trying to find someone to watch the Pups, but everyone already has plans. People make their Holiday plans long in advance. They have their own Families and their own plans. And those plans do not include watching my Puppy Girls…
I’m gonna have my bag packed Just In Case Mom & Dad decide that they can “tolerate” my 2 dogs so that I can go and be with them in Corpus for Christmas. I’ll be ready to go!
This is a very difficult Christmas for me – with everything that has happened this past year – and I would Like to be with my Folks.
I’m understanding my Folks less and less… but I am still hoping…
Tags: Christmas 2009, Pups
Posted in anger, Coping, Dad, depression, Emotions, Family, frustration, loneliness, Mom, Overload, overwhelming, Pets, rejection, sadness, scared, Stress, tired, venting | No Comments »
Friday, December 11th, 2009
I have no Christmas Spirit.
I just don’t care.
My last few years have been such a roller coaster…
* Reconnecting with Mr. Sack in mid 2007
* Planning for a new life in a new city with the man I had held in my heart for over 30 yrs.
* Found the lump Feb 2008
* March 2008, after numerous reassurances that my weight was not an issue, even though I had lost 40lbs, Mr. Sack decided that I was fatter than he remembered, but he would “try and work through it”.
* Thinking I was fighting a “staph infection” for 8+ months with a plethora of antibiotics.
* The accidental loss of my beloved cat, Hardy, in Nov 2008 to a dog I had rescued several months earlier.
* Having to put Cole down because he had killed Hardy and I couldn’t find anyone to take him and I couldn’t keep him any longer.
* Diagnosed with cancer late Feb 2009.
* Dumped by Mr. Sack late April 2009.
* The discovery that several people whom I thought were Friends were not.
* Reconnecting with old Friends and finding strength in them.
* Loosing a job that I enjoyed, with a group of people who provided me with great spiritual and emotional strength and reassurance, which I truly truly appreciated.
Not to mentioned the numerous other “small” yet aggravating things that have continuously beaten me down.
All the time I am fighting this fight.
I just have no spirit left.
None.
Tags: Christmas 2009, Cliff Grimes, Clifford F Grimes, Clifford Grimes, Dallas, Mr. Sack
Posted in anger, Cancer, Coping, depression, despair, Emotions, frustration, heartbroken, loneliness, Overload, overwhelming, rejection, sadness, scared, Stress, tired, venting | No Comments »
Wednesday, December 9th, 2009
Second week without my job
Second week
I feel so deflated
I’m trying to “get going”
but I am so very tired of being knocked down and getting back up
Over and over
and over
again
can’t I just stay down?
Tags: job, unemployment
Posted in Coping, depression, Emotions, employment, Overload, rejection, sadness, Stress, tired, venting | No Comments »
Friday, December 4th, 2009
Life I’m living still sucks.
Geez I am just Pathetic right now.
Its Frustrating for me, but I realize that its to be expected, given everything I’m going through.
Just gotta Hang On through this “Rough Patch”.
Rough patch… *LOL*
Anyway…
I’m a Big Reality Show Junkie.
My guilty pleasure…
And my Favorite Reality Show, Survivor, was on last night.
I Love it!
John got voted off… what a Blindside! This season is proving itself to be interesting…
I have to be careful though, not to descend into a life of TV and computer games. It would be too easy to try and escape that way…
So I have to remember to pick myself up.
Remember that I am Surviving.
All around, I am Surviving.
Tags: employment, job, Survivor, unemployment
Posted in Coping, depression, Other Things, Overload, Stress | No Comments »
Monday, November 30th, 2009
OMG
Today was Soooo bad.
It Just Sucked.
Seeing everyone who knew
was so hard.
Gong through my office one final time
was so hard.
Being there
was so hard.
I had to talk with my Manager, who had been out of town.
That was the last talk I ever wanted to have.
And I felt so betrayed.
I know it was out of his hands
But I would have thought that I deserved some notice of what was happening.
I would have Thought that.
THEN I find out that the employee who took the position
was not
an internal employee.
No.
She is a New Hire.
I have been with the company for 9 years.
I have worked this project for 20 months.
Yet
Someone who has never worked for the company
Who has not worked the project
Is deemed “a better fit” than I would be.
a better fit…
And all this was done within 2 weeks of my interview.
Within 2 weeks of the job I didn’t get…
So
Today Sucked.
Tags: employment, job, job interview, unemployment
Posted in anger, Coping, Emotions, employment, frustration, Other Things, Overload, sadness, Stress, tired, venting | 1 Comment »
Sunday, November 22nd, 2009
Dang… I have so much to think about now…
I’m so tired, emotionally spent.
Listing…
So much to do
So much to list…
* Have to contact the drug companies and update them…
Need to change my contact and mailing info and see how this unemployment affects my status and / or programs eligibility. Hopefully nothing to worry about.
* Check out unemployment, if I qualify.
Finding another job will be difficult due to my health situation. I often go in late cuz the mornings are difficult for me. Sometimes the headaches keep me up at night, or wake me up throughout the night; sometimes I get very little sleep, or I have to take sleeping aids so that my sleep is not real rest. I miss some work for Doctor appointments and have tests and procedures…
The meds have side effects like memory issues and balance problems and the Hand and Foot Syndrome has the tips of my fingers and toes ultra sensitive and splitting and I’m wearing band-aids and finger cots on my fingers.
I’ve applied for unemployment twice in my life, but never have collected cuz I always got a job before I got my benefits. This will be a new situation for me and not one that I am proud of.
* Need to get back onto Auctiva and start TeamDenise’s eBay account and start selling again.
I lost confidence in my selling in March of 2008. I need to get it back.
* Need to get my fundraiser project back on track.
Yes, I’m tired, yes I’m tired of feeling like a beggar… but it’s not getting done and I want to keep myself alive, so that means money. And there will be even less money than there was before, so I need to get out there and do it.
And
* Waiting for the results of my PET scan…
Scared of what they will showed. Hopeful, but so scared.
I’m so tired… but what can I do with this
Listing?
Tags: employment, fund, Fundraising, fundraising projects, job, unemployment
Posted in anger, Coping, Emotions, frustration, Fundraisers, Nutrition, Overload, sadness, scared, Stress, tired, venting, Warriors | No Comments »
Saturday, November 21st, 2009
I’m stunned.
Just walking around in a daze
I don’t think this has hit me yet
Cuz I’m not “feeling” it
I just feel
Blasted and
Stunned.
Tags: employment, ExxonMobil, job, unemployment
Posted in anger, Emotions, employment, frustration, Other Things, Overload, sadness, scared, Stress, tired, venting | 1 Comment »
Friday, November 20th, 2009
No Job For You.
That You
Would be Me.
Me
Suddenly.
Unexpectedly.
Without a Job.
I was informed today, before I left the office for my infusion, that my current contract will end on November 30 2009.
The contract company called and told me.
On the phone.
My Manager was out of the country on business, then on vacation.
The contract company told me.
On the phone.
My Manager has known since at least November 13th
At least 2 weeks ago
He had promised me
That he would always let me know
What was going on with the job situation
He didn’t say a word.
The contract company was the one who told me
On the phone.
I’m not understanding what happened…. I’ve been working this job for almost 2 years, and each review has been positive. Last yearly review, I got a $2/hr raise.
I was not told that the position was open so that I could apply for it.
I knew they were trying to open it,
But I didn’t know it had been done.
I.did.not.even.know.
My Supervisor, was also on vacation and called me asking what the heck was going on. When he left for vacation he said that he would be “unreachable” and only to contact him if it was a Total emergency. And he contacted me.
Wanting to know
What was happening.
This is a Huge stress for me.
This is a Huge stress for me emotionally,
This is a Huge stress for me financially,
This is a Huge stress for me health-wise.
This Stress is not good when fighting cancer
This Stress is not good in this battle
This has hit me with a Huge stress.
HOW am I gonna find another job with the support system that I had with this one? The support system that I Thought I had at this one…
Somehow, I can’t help but think that this has something to do with the interview I went on, when I disclosed that I am fighting cancer. Disclosed because I thought it was the ethical thing to do.
How Ethical Is This?
My cancer was something that the main HR did not know. The job I didn’t get. Just too much of a coincidence…
So… No Job For Me.
Happy Holidays to You Too, ExxonMobil.
What am I going to do…?
Tags: employment, ExxonMobil, job, unemployment
Posted in anger, Emotions, frustration, Overload, overwhelming, rejection, scared, Stress, tired, venting | 2 Comments »
Saturday, November 14th, 2009
…tear me apart
I feel like I’m fighting the old saying “one step forward, two steps back”. Except for me, it’s one step forward, then push me off my feet, onto my butt.
My Dad got a company car, so my Folks gave me their 2002 Hyundai since my “old” (2001) Ford Explorer needed so many repairs to the undercarriage and body – leaf springs, shocks, struts, back hatch, hood, rear left panel, blah blah blah blah blah… Dad put new tires on the Hyundai, and had it all checked out, got things fixed so that I would not have anything vehicle-related to worry about for a while, to take some stress off of me.
Less stress = peace of mind.
Stress is not good for fighting cancer.
Phew. I was relieved. Less stress is a Good thing, Especially right now!
My luck… I’ve had to put over $900.00 into the Hyundai to date – things that just happen to start going wrong. And it’s in the shop again. Leaking from the… sunroof…? Roof racks…? Doesn’t matter where from, it’s leaking… when it rains, it is Wet Inside.
Push me back.
Tags: Explorer, Ford, Hyundai, vehicle
Posted in frustration, Overload, Stress, Totally Non-cancer Related | No Comments »
Tuesday, September 8th, 2009
Stress Overload.
I have it
Every day.
The things currently on my mind…
* HER2 increase of 5.2
* Not enough money for September meds
* Burzynski $1,500 “Medication Management” fee
* Rejection by my PCP to handle Rx reorders
* Xeloda PAP Eligibility Denial
These are the things on my mind
Constantly on my mind
Every day.
Every day, my survival is on my mind.
Every.single.day.
Every morning, when I take those pills, I’m reminded…
Throughout the day, when I take those pills, I question…
Every night, when I take those pills, I wonder…
Every.Single.Time.
Constantly
Every.Single.Moment.
I feel as though I am hanging on by that one last last thread and have no where to turn, no one to turn to, no one to reach out to keep me from falling.
to keep me
from loosing it
totally.
Stress Overload.
I Definitely Have It.
Tags: Overload, Stress
Posted in Coping, frustration, Overload | No Comments »
