scared Category
Thursday, December 31st, 2009
Spending New Year’s Eve alone as well.
Like Christmas.
alone.
Had two Friends ask what I was doing
After I asked them
And then felt bad
or trapped
when I said that I would be
alone
and didn’t know what to say or do
so came the
“obligatory” invites
to join them
in their festivities
that did not include me
One Friend – an old Friend from high school and his wife
Already planning to celebrate together, privately
Offering to include me
beforehand
How kind to care
I’ll pass, Thank You.
The other Friend – a Family celebration
She has just gone through surgery
And still in pain and disabled
Offering to include me
Despite her own struggles
How kind to care
I’ll pass, Thank You.
The obligatory comment from my Mother
Wish you were here..
but not
don’t worry about your dogs
just come be with us.
Nothing else
No party
no gathering
no small get-together
Nothing
No one should be
alone
at this time
One should be with Family
or Friends
Should be.
Not the Holiday I thought I would be having
Not the way that was planned
Not the way that was planned with another
Broken all around.
Still sad
but getting used to it.
Bring in 2010,
It has GOT to be better than 2009.
But then I said that about 2008 into 2009
and it just got worse.
Much worse.
I’m scared
and alone.
Tags: Christmas 2009, Cliff Grimes, Clifford F Grimes, Clifford Grimes, Dallas, Mr. Sack, New Year, New Year 2009, New Year 2010, New Year Eve
Posted in Emotions, sadness, scared, Special Days, tired | 1 Comment »
Thursday, December 24th, 2009
Another emotional roller coaster of a day.
The cold is settling in…
I feel it
in my body
in my heart
in my soul
I feel it
I will be glad when this season is over
When the festivities and celebrations have passed
When the joy is a blurred memory
When the memories of my hopes and dreams are
no more than dust
no longer shards
piercing my heart
I feel it
the cold front moving in
The wind is whipping up
The trees are blowing from side to side
I can imagine that it might even howl later
A fitting sound for my mood
I covered the plants in the front, but have not the energy to finish the ones in the back. I lost some in the last freeze, I can only guess I will loose more in this one. I no longer have the energy to do everything.
Depression sucks almost as much as cancer.
Merry Christmas Eve.
Tags: Christmas 2009, Cliff Grimes, Clifford F Grimes, Clifford Grimes, Dallas, Mr. Sack
Posted in Coping, depression, Emotions, frustration, heartbroken, loneliness, overwhelming, rejection, sadness, scared, Stress, tired | 1 Comment »
Wednesday, December 23rd, 2009
My PCP‘s office faxed my lab results…
Last Friday (Dec 18 2009), I had the bloodwork drawn to track my tumor markers. It was draw #8. I’ve been having pretty good results to-date, some ups some downs, some increases that I am concerned about…
This blood draw was for the monthly tests (most specifically my CEA Tumor Markers).
* April 15, my baseline CEA tumor markers were 63.1 ng/mL (nanograms per milliliter). This is High, as Norm is 0.0-3.0 ng/mL.
I honestly don’t know how high “really high” is, but – in my internet searching – I read one gal talk about the mid-200′s, so I guess my high is not That high, but It’s High To me.
* June 03, my 2nd draw CEA tumor markers were 35.9 ng/mL
* July 03, my 3rd draw CEA tumor markers were 12.8 ng/mL
* August 27, my 4th draw CEA tumor markers were 3.9 ng/mL
* September 18, my 5th draw CEA tumor markers were 3.3 ng/mL
* October 16, my 6th CEA tumor markers were 3.2 ng/mL
* November 20, my 7th CEA tumor markers were 2.7 ng/mL
* December 18, my 8th CEA tumor markers are 2.8 ng/mL
This is a .1 INCREASE from last month, but still has me within the Normal range.
As always, I’m unsure, but this (CEA: The Test) continues to answer Some of my questions…
Still hoping that this all means Something Good… I can’t help but be cautious cuz the other shoe always falls for me. Always.
My Other Numbers as of December 18 2009 blood test results:
* CA-125: 14 U/mL (Reference @ 0-35)
a 3 point INCREASE – up from 11 U/mL from November’s draw… I’m not happy, but am still well within the normal range, in fact is very low normal range. But another increase Does worry me.
* CA 15-3: 20 U/mL (Reference @ <32)
a 1 point DECREASE – down from from 21 U/mL from November’s draw; I’m still within the normal range.
* CA 27.29 (see CA15-3 above): 31 U/mL (Reference @ <38)
a 4 point INCREASE – up from 27 U/mL from November’s draw. These increases scare me, though I am still within (high) normal range.
The CA 27.29 test is used to monitor your:
- Response to treatment
- Status of your cancer
- Possibility of early recurrence
Try and relax
Don’t stress the body
Don’t stress the mind
Don’t think about not having a job, Mr. Sack, the total and complete devastation of all my hopes and dreams.
Just don’t think about it all.
Yah, right.
I am so scared. Never stop being scared. Never stop reaching out… to find… no one
Visualizing my Dragons
my Warrior Dragons
Please don’t stop burning.
Please.Don’t.Stop.
Tags: Tumor Markers
Posted in Burzynski Clinic, Coping, Dr. A. Khan, Dr. L. Deleon, Results, scared, Stress, Tests, tired | 1 Comment »
Wednesday, December 23rd, 2009
The rescheduled interview on “Its Your Health” radio has been rescheduled to Dec 24, 9:50-10:10am EST.
That’s tomorrow.
TeamDenise!
Tags: Dec 2009 interview, interview, It's Your Health Radio, Its Your Health, Lisa Davis, radio interview, Suzanne Somers
Posted in Aminocare A10, Antineoplaston Therapy, Burzynski Clinic, Burzynski Clinic Doctors, Dr. S. Burzynski, excitement, Gene Therapy Drugs, Getting The Word Out, gratitude, scared, Special People, Team Denise | 1 Comment »
Tuesday, December 22nd, 2009
This Holiday
is No Holiday
for me
This Joyous Spirit
Around me
Like a faded picture
This Celebration Spirit
Around me
Like shattered glass
This Christmas Spirit
Around me
broken
Spiritless
Tags: Christmas 2009, Spirit
Posted in depression, Emotions, heartbroken, loneliness, overwhelming, regret, rejection, scared, tired | No Comments »
Monday, December 21st, 2009
I am being interviewed on a Boston radio station!
It’s pretty exciting…
The show is “Its Your Health” and the host is Lisa Davis – a gal who I connected with via Facebook. Don’t ask me how cuz I don’t remember, but she seems nice.
But I do remember that she mentioned that she wanted to interview me about my battle without insurance.
She remembers me and wants to share my story.
My story.
She also has interviewed Suzanne Somers several times, regarding her new book, Knockout, which addresses cancer and specifically mentions Dr. Burzynski and The Burzynski Clinic. So I will be happy to share my tests results.
I’ve known for about a month that this interview might be upcoming, but didn’t have a firm date. There was talk of “sometime in January”, so I’ve been waiting…
Waiting, waiting waiting…
Hoping
but not expecting.
Now I know.
The interview will be tomorrow – Dec 22 – at 10:50 EST.
Tomorrow
I’m nervous…
Need to get ready.
I’m excited…
Excited to get the word out some more
TeamDenise!
Tags: Dec 2009 interview, interview, It's Your Health Radio, Its Your Health, Lisa Davis, radio interview, Suzanne Somers
Posted in Alternative Treatments, Aminocare A10, Antineoplaston Therapy, appreciation, Burzynski Clinic, Burzynski Clinic Doctors, Cancer, Dr. S. Burzynski, excitement, Gene Therapy Drugs, Getting The Word Out, gratitude, hope, sadness, scared, Special People, Team Denise, tired | 1 Comment »
Saturday, December 19th, 2009
About 2am I started feeling crummy – most probably from the infusion yesterday. Took some Tylenol and went back to sleep. I’ve been feeling crummy all day. Just hanging out at home.
I’ve been trying to find someone to watch the Pups, but everyone already has plans. People make their Holiday plans long in advance. They have their own Families and their own plans. And those plans do not include watching my Puppy Girls…
I’m gonna have my bag packed Just In Case Mom & Dad decide that they can “tolerate” my 2 dogs so that I can go and be with them in Corpus for Christmas. I’ll be ready to go!
This is a very difficult Christmas for me – with everything that has happened this past year – and I would Like to be with my Folks.
I’m understanding my Folks less and less… but I am still hoping…
Tags: Christmas 2009, Pups
Posted in anger, Coping, Dad, depression, Emotions, Family, frustration, loneliness, Mom, Overload, overwhelming, Pets, rejection, sadness, scared, Stress, tired, venting | No Comments »
Friday, December 11th, 2009
I have no Christmas Spirit.
I just don’t care.
My last few years have been such a roller coaster…
* Reconnecting with Mr. Sack in mid 2007
* Planning for a new life in a new city with the man I had held in my heart for over 30 yrs.
* Found the lump Feb 2008
* March 2008, after numerous reassurances that my weight was not an issue, even though I had lost 40lbs, Mr. Sack decided that I was fatter than he remembered, but he would “try and work through it”.
* Thinking I was fighting a “staph infection” for 8+ months with a plethora of antibiotics.
* The accidental loss of my beloved cat, Hardy, in Nov 2008 to a dog I had rescued several months earlier.
* Having to put Cole down because he had killed Hardy and I couldn’t find anyone to take him and I couldn’t keep him any longer.
* Diagnosed with cancer late Feb 2009.
* Dumped by Mr. Sack late April 2009.
* The discovery that several people whom I thought were Friends were not.
* Reconnecting with old Friends and finding strength in them.
* Loosing a job that I enjoyed, with a group of people who provided me with great spiritual and emotional strength and reassurance, which I truly truly appreciated.
Not to mentioned the numerous other “small” yet aggravating things that have continuously beaten me down.
All the time I am fighting this fight.
I just have no spirit left.
None.
Tags: Christmas 2009, Cliff Grimes, Clifford F Grimes, Clifford Grimes, Dallas, Mr. Sack
Posted in anger, Cancer, Coping, depression, despair, Emotions, frustration, heartbroken, loneliness, Overload, overwhelming, rejection, sadness, scared, Stress, tired, venting | No Comments »
Sunday, November 29th, 2009
I made it back home to Houston
returning from a pleasant vacation in Corpus
To be at work tomorrow
for one day
my last day
After 20 months
in the group
on the projects
Had to come back
to work the one day
One Day
So that I qualified for the yearly “bonus”
which is given
in lieu of vacation time.
I’ll get 1% of my salary
Which, due to time lost because of my situation
will equal approximately
1/2 week of pay.
Better than nothing…
but
This sucks.
Posted in anger, Emotions, employment, frustration, sadness, scared, tired | 1 Comment »
Wednesday, November 25th, 2009
Got the results from Dr Deleon today and I have to say that I am Happy.
Very Happy.
Very.
Very.
Happy.
The Results…
Interpretation of scan via Burzynski Clinic (treatment clinic)
The follow-up study again shows a parenchymal density involving the left breast with minimal activity. This has significantly decreased since the previous study. The size also has decreased when compared with the previous study of 08/10/09. It is difficult to have an accurate measurement due to the difficulty in separating the normal tissues from the abnormally active parenchymal tissue. No axillary lymphadenopathy is present. No other abnormal hypermetabolic activity is identified in the chest. No enlarged lymph nodes are shown in the mediasternum… Again noted is a sclerotic lesion involving the ribs, spine and pelvic bones, suggesting osseous metastatic disease. These are not hypermetabolic.
CHEST: STW
Left breast mass: 20% decrease since previous (August 2009); 47% decrease since baseline (April 2009)
Report via Houston Medical Imaging (scanning facility)
IMPRESSION
PET CT scan is negative for definite active neoplastic disease. Left axillary lymph nodes have completely resolved and changes noted within the left breast are consistent with post therapy fibrosis. Osteoblastic bone lesions exhibit no measurable hypermetabolic activity.
No Current Abnormal Hypermetabolic Activity.
Dr. Deleon has been Very Clear in cautioning me – this is Not remission, this is Not cured.
Supposedly, the cancer is currently Dormant.
Dormant.
Treatment Must Continue.
I will continue to do so as long as I can afford it.
So… things appear to be going well.
For now.
For this I am Extremely Thankful.
Thank you for your support
Thank you for the strength of your prayers, kind words of encouragement and good wishes.
Please Don’t Stop.
Scans of the full reports:
Tags: Houston Medical Imaging, PET Scan, PET/CT Scan, scan
Posted in hope, Results, scared, Tests | 3 Comments »
