sadness Category
Monday, November 30th, 2009
OMG
Today was Soooo bad.
It Just Sucked.
Seeing everyone who knew
was so hard.
Gong through my office one final time
was so hard.
Being there
was so hard.
I had to talk with my Manager, who had been out of town.
That was the last talk I ever wanted to have.
And I felt so betrayed.
I know it was out of his hands
But I would have thought that I deserved some notice of what was happening.
I would have Thought that.
THEN I find out that the employee who took the position
was not
an internal employee.
No.
She is a New Hire.
I have been with the company for 9 years.
I have worked this project for 20 months.
Yet
Someone who has never worked for the company
Who has not worked the project
Is deemed “a better fit” than I would be.
a better fit…
And all this was done within 2 weeks of my interview.
Within 2 weeks of the job I didn’t get…
So
Today Sucked.
Tags: employment, job, job interview, unemployment
Posted in anger, Coping, Emotions, employment, frustration, Other Things, Overload, sadness, Stress, tired, venting | 1 Comment »
Sunday, November 29th, 2009
I made it back home to Houston
returning from a pleasant vacation in Corpus
To be at work tomorrow
for one day
my last day
After 20 months
in the group
on the projects
Had to come back
to work the one day
One Day
So that I qualified for the yearly “bonus”
which is given
in lieu of vacation time.
I’ll get 1% of my salary
Which, due to time lost because of my situation
will equal approximately
1/2 week of pay.
Better than nothing…
but
This sucks.
Posted in anger, Emotions, employment, frustration, sadness, scared, tired | 1 Comment »
Monday, November 23rd, 2009
Today at work
Sucked
I’m going through my outstanding projects
Trying to get stuff finished
So that the new Admin
Isn’t overwhelmed.
And cleaning my office.
My contract company told me the position was filled in-house, so I remind myself that this is the way it works. ExxonMobil looks out for “its own” first. It would be different if they were going outside to fill the position.
Gotta maintain a good attitude and hope for another position like this one.
Meanwhile Mom is really riding me about going to Corpus for ThanksGiving. I’m Trying to find someone to watch the Girls (my dogs), but she is relentless in her pushing.
More Stress.
Thanks.
Tags: employment, ExxonMobil, job, ThanksGiving, unemployment
Posted in Coping, employment, frustration, Mom, sadness, scared, Stress, tired | 1 Comment »
Sunday, November 22nd, 2009
Dang… I have so much to think about now…
I’m so tired, emotionally spent.
Listing…
So much to do
So much to list…
* Have to contact the drug companies and update them…
Need to change my contact and mailing info and see how this unemployment affects my status and / or programs eligibility. Hopefully nothing to worry about.
* Check out unemployment, if I qualify.
Finding another job will be difficult due to my health situation. I often go in late cuz the mornings are difficult for me. Sometimes the headaches keep me up at night, or wake me up throughout the night; sometimes I get very little sleep, or I have to take sleeping aids so that my sleep is not real rest. I miss some work for Doctor appointments and have tests and procedures…
The meds have side effects like memory issues and balance problems and the Hand and Foot Syndrome has the tips of my fingers and toes ultra sensitive and splitting and I’m wearing band-aids and finger cots on my fingers.
I’ve applied for unemployment twice in my life, but never have collected cuz I always got a job before I got my benefits. This will be a new situation for me and not one that I am proud of.
* Need to get back onto Auctiva and start TeamDenise’s eBay account and start selling again.
I lost confidence in my selling in March of 2008. I need to get it back.
* Need to get my fundraiser project back on track.
Yes, I’m tired, yes I’m tired of feeling like a beggar… but it’s not getting done and I want to keep myself alive, so that means money. And there will be even less money than there was before, so I need to get out there and do it.
And
* Waiting for the results of my PET scan…
Scared of what they will showed. Hopeful, but so scared.
I’m so tired… but what can I do with this
Listing?
Tags: employment, fund, Fundraising, fundraising projects, job, unemployment
Posted in anger, Coping, Emotions, frustration, Fundraisers, Nutrition, Overload, sadness, scared, Stress, tired, venting, Warriors | No Comments »
Sunday, November 22nd, 2009
Happy Birthday, Mr. Sack.
I wish you the gift of devastation that you gave me – total and complete destruction of my self-confidence, self-esteem and self-worth.
You Suck.
Tags: Cliff Grimes, Clifford F Grimes, Clifford Grimes, Dallas, Mr. Sack
Posted in anger, Emotions, heartbroken, rejection, sadness, Special People, Totally Non-cancer Related | No Comments »
Saturday, November 21st, 2009
I’m stunned.
Just walking around in a daze
I don’t think this has hit me yet
Cuz I’m not “feeling” it
I just feel
Blasted and
Stunned.
Tags: employment, ExxonMobil, job, unemployment
Posted in anger, Emotions, employment, frustration, Other Things, Overload, sadness, scared, Stress, tired, venting | 1 Comment »
Thursday, November 12th, 2009
This cancer has me
by such a grip
gripping my perception
gripping my outlook
has warped my sense of reality
to the point
to simply participate
in previously everyday activities
the mundane situations
of life
leaves me feeling guilty
of such pleasures
feeling guilty
that I am trying
to live
normally
Tags: life
Posted in Cancer, Coping, Emotions, sadness, Stress, venting | No Comments »
Tuesday, November 3rd, 2009
Sometimes, for a moment, I forget the battle I am fighting,
so its only natural that friends, people I associate with, would tend to forget…
That’s the truth…
People tend to forget I am stage 3b breast cancer.
The truth is… I Am stage 3b metastatic breast cancer,
Truth is… this means the cancer has spread.
I really try to keep a positive attitude and keep a “good face”
but… The truth is… I’m fighting for my life
The truth is… I am scared to death
The truth is… I am alone and I do get crabby.
Scared crabby
Crabby in that “I’m scared and don’t know what to do or who to turn to that can help me and I’m seeing my life possibly slip away before I’m ready” kinda way
The truth is… it’s not always pretty.
And thruth is.. some people can’t handle it.
Seem to think I don’t have an excuse to “loose it” every now and then.
Truth is… my survival is NOT guaranteed, it’s still Very iffy and that is a daily thought for me. Every.Day. I’d had good response to the treatment, but last blood work results were not so good..
The truth is… this will be a long fight
The stress from my health situation is Huge – physically, emotionally, spiritually. When dealing with any illness, stress is a huge negative factor.
I have realized that holding on to things that are causing stress is not in my best interest
So I am attempting to let go
clear out
remove
Things, situations, people
that are causing stress
in my life
so that I can
Deal with the truth.
That’s the truth.
Tags: Stress, Truth
Posted in Coping, Emotions, frustration, sadness, tired, venting | 2 Comments »
Monday, October 19th, 2009
Last night and into this morning
I awoke
several times,
with such a sense of deep
and extreme
sadness
emptiness
loneliness
Such an aching
to my heart
to my soul
so overpowering
I reached out
for comfort
and found
no one
as usual.
Posted in despair, dreams, loneliness, sadness, scared, Stress | 2 Comments »
Tuesday, October 13th, 2009
I found out this morning that Ryan Alexander Brune passed on Oct 02 2009.
Mom and I had met his mother, April, at Burzyski Clinic back in May of this year. She was sitting in on a patient conference with us – we talked with her and offered our hopes. I had misplaced her email, so had not kept up with how they were doing. I found her email address this past Wednesday and reached out to her, to see what they had decided as far as treatment… April informed me that they talked with the FDA and many doctors and decided not to pursue treatment with Burzynski.
How selfless and kind of her to reply to me at the time when she is dealing with such a loss…
Please keep this family in your prayers for peace and healing.
Ryan Alexander Brune, 1998 – 2009
Tags: pediatric brain cancer, Ryan Alexander Brune
Posted in Cancer, Fallen Warriors, frustration, heartbroken, sadness, Special People | No Comments »
