The “Season” is over.
The commercials on TV are
No longer
about Christmas
No longer
about the celebration
No longer
about the joy.
No more Merry Merry
Loving Family
Happy Couple
Smiling Children
It’s almost as though
a switch
was flipped
a marketing switch
was flipped.
Which is fine
with me.
Right now
This moment
In time
it is
too much for me
the pain is
too much for me
So flipp the switch
and I will cope
much easier
It will be
much easier.
Tags: Christmas 2009, Clifford Grimes, Mr. Sack
Ho Ho Whatever.
Here I am at home alone.
I’m going back to lay on the couch.
Maybe cry a bit more.
Tis the season to be jolly…
Tags: Christmas 2009
Another emotional roller coaster of a day.
The cold is settling in…
I feel it
in my body
in my heart
in my soul
I feel it
I will be glad when this season is over
When the festivities and celebrations have passed
When the joy is a blurred memory
When the memories of my hopes and dreams are
no more than dust
no longer shards
piercing my heart
I feel it
the cold front moving in
The wind is whipping up
The trees are blowing from side to side
I can imagine that it might even howl later
A fitting sound for my mood
I covered the plants in the front, but have not the energy to finish the ones in the back. I lost some in the last freeze, I can only guess I will loose more in this one. I no longer have the energy to do everything.
Depression sucks almost as much as cancer.
Merry Christmas Eve.
Tags: Christmas 2009, Cliff Grimes, Clifford F Grimes, Clifford Grimes, Dallas, Mr. Sack
This Holiday
is No Holiday
for me
This Joyous Spirit
Around me
Like a faded picture
This Celebration Spirit
Around me
Like shattered glass
This Christmas Spirit
Around me
broken
Spiritless
Tags: Christmas 2009, Spirit
I can see that this Christmas will be one of the worse of my life.
It should have been one of the best.
But it will not.
I should be with people I love
who love me
But will not.
I should be happy and joyous.
But am not.
About 2am I started feeling crummy – most probably from the infusion yesterday. Took some Tylenol and went back to sleep. I’ve been feeling crummy all day. Just hanging out at home.
I’ve been trying to find someone to watch the Pups, but everyone already has plans. People make their Holiday plans long in advance. They have their own Families and their own plans. And those plans do not include watching my Puppy Girls…
I’m gonna have my bag packed Just In Case Mom & Dad decide that they can “tolerate” my 2 dogs so that I can go and be with them in Corpus for Christmas. I’ll be ready to go!
This is a very difficult Christmas for me – with everything that has happened this past year – and I would Like to be with my Folks.
I’m understanding my Folks less and less… but I am still hoping…
Tags: Christmas 2009, Pups
I have no Christmas Spirit.
I just don’t care.
My last few years have been such a roller coaster…
* Reconnecting with Mr. Sack in mid 2007
* Planning for a new life in a new city with the man I had held in my heart for over 30 yrs.
* Found the lump Feb 2008
* March 2008, after numerous reassurances that my weight was not an issue, even though I had lost 40lbs, Mr. Sack decided that I was fatter than he remembered, but he would “try and work through it”.
* Thinking I was fighting a “staph infection” for 8+ months with a plethora of antibiotics.
* The accidental loss of my beloved cat, Hardy, in Nov 2008 to a dog I had rescued several months earlier.
* Having to put Cole down because he had killed Hardy and I couldn’t find anyone to take him and I couldn’t keep him any longer.
* Diagnosed with cancer late Feb 2009.
* Dumped by Mr. Sack late April 2009.
* The discovery that several people whom I thought were Friends were not.
* Reconnecting with old Friends and finding strength in them.
* Loosing a job that I enjoyed, with a group of people who provided me with great spiritual and emotional strength and reassurance, which I truly truly appreciated.
Not to mentioned the numerous other “small” yet aggravating things that have continuously beaten me down.
All the time I am fighting this fight.
I just have no spirit left.
None.
Tags: Christmas 2009, Cliff Grimes, Clifford F Grimes, Clifford Grimes, Dallas, Mr. Sack
No Job For You.
That You
Would be Me.
Me
Suddenly.
Unexpectedly.
Without a Job.
I was informed today, before I left the office for my infusion, that my current contract will end on November 30 2009.
The contract company called and told me.
On the phone.
My Manager was out of the country on business, then on vacation.
The contract company told me.
On the phone.
My Manager has known since at least November 13th
At least 2 weeks ago
He had promised me
That he would always let me know
What was going on with the job situation
He didn’t say a word.
The contract company was the one who told me
On the phone.
I’m not understanding what happened…. I’ve been working this job for almost 2 years, and each review has been positive. Last yearly review, I got a $2/hr raise.
I was not told that the position was open so that I could apply for it.
I knew they were trying to open it,
But I didn’t know it had been done.
I.did.not.even.know.
My Supervisor, was also on vacation and called me asking what the heck was going on. When he left for vacation he said that he would be “unreachable” and only to contact him if it was a Total emergency. And he contacted me.
Wanting to know
What was happening.
This is a Huge stress for me.
This is a Huge stress for me emotionally,
This is a Huge stress for me financially,
This is a Huge stress for me health-wise.
This Stress is not good when fighting cancer
This Stress is not good in this battle
This has hit me with a Huge stress.
HOW am I gonna find another job with the support system that I had with this one? The support system that I Thought I had at this one…
Somehow, I can’t help but think that this has something to do with the interview I went on, when I disclosed that I am fighting cancer. Disclosed because I thought it was the ethical thing to do.
How Ethical Is This?
My cancer was something that the main HR did not know. The job I didn’t get. Just too much of a coincidence…
So… No Job For Me.
Happy Holidays to You Too, ExxonMobil.
What am I going to do…?
Tags: employment, ExxonMobil, job, unemployment
Last night (Sunday) was my last dose of Sodium Phenylbutrate… my last 8 pills from my August supply. And my last dose of AmnioCare A10 (which appears to be a form of the Antineoplaston Therapy)… my last 2 pills from my August supply. The last of my supply…
I haven’t been able to pay for my September supply yet. I’m trying to get the money for September, but until I do, I’ll have to forego part of my treatment. That’s kinda scary, expecially since I just had bloodwork done and am waiting the results.
Especially scary cuz “It has been shown (Samid 1992) that Phenylbutyrate arrests tumor growth and induces differentiation of pre-malignant and malignant cells through this non-toxic mechanism.” and “Phenylbutyrate has been shown to be a non-toxic differentiation inducer, promoting maturation of various types of malignant cells. Maturation makes the cells less aggressive, causing them to cease dividing and eventually die.“
Let’s see that again… “makes the cells less aggressive, causing them to cease dividing and eventually die.“
Yes – DIE.
Scary cuz I will have to go without until I can pay for September’s supply.
And after September…
October…
November
December…
I’ve said it before…
CANCER SUCKS.
AND SO DOES THE COST OF TREATMENT.
Tags: Finances, Sodium Phenylbutrate
