Last night and into this morning
I awoke
several times,
with such a sense of deep
and extreme
sadness
emptiness
loneliness
Such an aching
to my heart
to my soul
so overpowering
I reached out
for comfort
and found
no one
as usual.
loneliness Category
Monday, August 17th, 2009
Exhaustion
I am So Exhausted. So Freaking Exhausted
Seems everything I need to do is a effort… Every.Simple.Thing.
Simply waking up and getting going in the morning just wears me out. By the time I take my shower, put on my make-up, get dressed, feed the cat and dogs, take all my pills and eat breakfast, I am ready to collapse. Walking down the stairs wears me out.
I just want someone to hold me and tell me it’s gonna be alright… But that’s not gonna happen anytime soon.
I am physically, emotionally and spiritually exhausted.
The physical part is due to the drugs that I am taking to fight this cancer, this beast cancer. The emotional and spiritual part… well, that’s due to everything else associated with the beast.
The drugs specifically are Tarceva, Zolinza, Xeloda and Sodium Phenylbutrate. Ok, so ALL of the drugs that I’m taking daily have “weakness”, “tired” as a side effect. Lovely.
A lot of my exhaustion is due to the Sodium Phenylbutrate cuz of the depletion of the Glutamine in my body. While Glutamine deficiency is rare, when it’s being purposefully depleted from your body the results are very much felt. Plus the fact that I’m supposed to be following a low protein diet (which I’m doing my best at) does not help with alleviating the symptoms…
I am just overwhelmingly exhausted.
But I have to keep going.
Occasionally I just want to chow down on a big, thick, rare steak.
Continuously I just want to crawl back in bed.
~sigh~
Tags: Sodium Phenylbutrate
Wednesday, August 12th, 2009
Alone Again, Naturally
When I was at the Houston Medical Imaging having the PET/CT and Bone Scan done, I noticed the number of couples there…
Reminded me of MD Anderson and all the couples I saw there.
There was a sweet couple who was in the waiting room, sharing a loveseat. He was holding her, and she had her head on his shoulder.. I’m not sure who they were there for, her or him, but you could tell he was very protective of her.
And there I was… as always… Alone again.
I wanted to cry.
I did inside.
Saturday, August 1st, 2009
Two by Two.
The second thing that struck me when I was running the errand at MD Anderson was the number of couples there.
Almost everyone was a couple. Paired. Partnered.
Their support.
It was difficult for me.
Tags: MD Anderson
Sunday, July 19th, 2009
Heartache…
Sometimes… often… I feel so alone and so isolated that it feels as though my heart, my soul, is literally dying in my chest… and I just don’t know how much longer… if… I can continue with this.
This is such a hard fight… and to do it alone is so very difficult. And not fair. This whole thing is not fair, the past 2 years have not been fair.
The pain is almost too much to bear.
Just gotta keep going.
Tags: heartache
