Ho Ho Whatever.
Here I am at home alone.
I’m going back to lay on the couch.
Maybe cry a bit more.
Tis the season to be jolly…
heartbroken Category
Friday, December 25th, 2009
Merry Christmas 2009
Tags: Christmas 2009
Thursday, December 24th, 2009
Christmas Eve 2009
Another emotional roller coaster of a day.
The cold is settling in…
I feel it
in my body
in my heart
in my soul
I feel it
I will be glad when this season is over
When the festivities and celebrations have passed
When the joy is a blurred memory
When the memories of my hopes and dreams are
no more than dust
no longer shards
piercing my heart
I feel it
the cold front moving in
The wind is whipping up
The trees are blowing from side to side
I can imagine that it might even howl later
A fitting sound for my mood
I covered the plants in the front, but have not the energy to finish the ones in the back. I lost some in the last freeze, I can only guess I will loose more in this one. I no longer have the energy to do everything.
Depression sucks almost as much as cancer.
Merry Christmas Eve.
Tags: Christmas 2009, Cliff Grimes, Clifford F Grimes, Clifford Grimes, Dallas, Mr. Sack
Tuesday, December 22nd, 2009
Holiday Spiritless
This Holiday
is No Holiday
for me
This Joyous Spirit
Around me
Like a faded picture
This Celebration Spirit
Around me
Like shattered glass
This Christmas Spirit
Around me
broken
Spiritless
Tags: Christmas 2009, Spirit
Friday, December 11th, 2009
Spiritless
I have no Christmas Spirit.
I just don’t care.
My last few years have been such a roller coaster…
* Reconnecting with Mr. Sack in mid 2007
* Planning for a new life in a new city with the man I had held in my heart for over 30 yrs.
* Found the lump Feb 2008
* March 2008, after numerous reassurances that my weight was not an issue, even though I had lost 40lbs, Mr. Sack decided that I was fatter than he remembered, but he would “try and work through it”.
* Thinking I was fighting a “staph infection” for 8+ months with a plethora of antibiotics.
* The accidental loss of my beloved cat, Hardy, in Nov 2008 to a dog I had rescued several months earlier.
* Having to put Cole down because he had killed Hardy and I couldn’t find anyone to take him and I couldn’t keep him any longer.
* Diagnosed with cancer late Feb 2009.
* Dumped by Mr. Sack late April 2009.
* The discovery that several people whom I thought were Friends were not.
* Reconnecting with old Friends and finding strength in them.
* Loosing a job that I enjoyed, with a group of people who provided me with great spiritual and emotional strength and reassurance, which I truly truly appreciated.
Not to mentioned the numerous other “small” yet aggravating things that have continuously beaten me down.
All the time I am fighting this fight.
I just have no spirit left.
None.
Tags: Christmas 2009, Cliff Grimes, Clifford F Grimes, Clifford Grimes, Dallas, Mr. Sack
Tuesday, October 13th, 2009
PASSED: Ryan Alexander Brune (pediatric brain cancer)
I found out this morning that Ryan Alexander Brune passed on Oct 02 2009.
Mom and I had met his mother, April, at Burzyski Clinic back in May of this year. She was sitting in on a patient conference with us – we talked with her and offered our hopes. I had misplaced her email, so had not kept up with how they were doing. I found her email address this past Wednesday and reached out to her, to see what they had decided as far as treatment… April informed me that they talked with the FDA and many doctors and decided not to pursue treatment with Burzynski.
How selfless and kind of her to reply to me at the time when she is dealing with such a loss…
Please keep this family in your prayers for peace and healing.
Ryan Alexander Brune, 1998 – 2009
Friday, September 25th, 2009
PASSED: Sara Sullivan (complications from breast cancer and childbirth)
This story was shared by my Friend, Sam, as he and his wife have friends who are friends of the Sullivan’s. I didn’t know this woman, don’t know her Family, her Friends, yet her story has affected me deeply. It has affected me in that I am left wondering…
Why her and not me.
Why someone with a loving husband, a new child… someone who is so cherished, has so much faith, so much to live for… why does this person pass, and I, so far, am spared.
Why her and not me?
I have no boyfriend, no husband, no children… I am not cherished, my faith is questional, what do I have to live for…
Why her and not me?
She was diagnosed around the same time as I was… diagnosed around the same time that she and her husband found out that they were expecting their first child. A time of happiness… a time of fear…
Eight months from diagnosis.
Eight short months.
Eight months fighting.
Eight months preparing for the future.
Eight months to die.
Why her and not me?
How is this right, how is this fair? She deserved life. She deserved time.
She Deserved More.
I can’t stop crying, I can’t help but feel guilty… guilty that I am alive, still fighting, when the light of someone else, so deserving, so much more deserving, was taken. Someone who had Everything to live for. Where is the justice in that?
Why her and not me?
She deserved the time I am holding…
Sara Sullivan, 1980 – 2009
Tags: Sara Sullivan
Wednesday, August 12th, 2009
Alone Again, Naturally
When I was at the Houston Medical Imaging having the PET/CT and Bone Scan done, I noticed the number of couples there…
Reminded me of MD Anderson and all the couples I saw there.
There was a sweet couple who was in the waiting room, sharing a loveseat. He was holding her, and she had her head on his shoulder.. I’m not sure who they were there for, her or him, but you could tell he was very protective of her.
And there I was… as always… Alone again.
I wanted to cry.
I did inside.
Saturday, August 1st, 2009
Two by Two.
The second thing that struck me when I was running the errand at MD Anderson was the number of couples there.
Almost everyone was a couple. Paired. Partnered.
Their support.
It was difficult for me.
Tags: MD Anderson
Sunday, July 19th, 2009
Heartache…
Sometimes… often… I feel so alone and so isolated that it feels as though my heart, my soul, is literally dying in my chest… and I just don’t know how much longer… if… I can continue with this.
This is such a hard fight… and to do it alone is so very difficult. And not fair. This whole thing is not fair, the past 2 years have not been fair.
The pain is almost too much to bear.
Just gotta keep going.
Tags: heartache
