i feel like i am
Falling
Back into
A pattern of
Normalcy
Which
Concerns me
Because i
Need to be
Alert
Vigilant
No time for
Lackadaisical
Meandering
No time for
Forgetting
That I am
Fighting.
This is
Serious
My
Life.
venting Category
Tuesday, January 5th, 2010
Falling
Tags: Poetry
Monday, January 4th, 2010
Lip Service
Side effects – drying and splitting
First it was my fingers – dry and splitting
Then my toes and heels – dry and splitting
bandages, neosporin
and
slathering with creams
Udderly_Smooth
Eucerin Calming creme
Curél Ultra Healing
when one stops working
switch to the other
constant rotation
Now…
my lips – dry and splitting
raw
clown mouth
neosporin
and
slathering with balm
Burt’s Bees
Chapstick Naturals
Blistex
when one stops working
switch to the other
constant rotation
each day is
an adventure
more adventure.
My poor lips...
Tags: Chapped lips
Friday, January 1st, 2010
Welcome 2010…
So…
After declaring that is was
time to
stop
the whining
I went and
fell right back into a
pitiful state.
Its Tough
Its a Tough situation
This situation
This cancer situation
Tough on
The Body
The Spirit
The Emotions
Its a Tough
time of year
This time of year
Tough
on the emotions
Tough
on the heart
Its been a Tough year
This past year 2009
I have
Lost
A Love
My Health
A Job
a Tough year
I’m not so tough
not so
Tough to be able
to carry this burden
without
cracking
at sometime
or another.
All I can do is
pick myself back up
dust myself off
put on a smile
keep on going
Tough it out.
Tags: Christmas 2009, New Year 2010
Saturday, December 26th, 2009
Flipping the Switch
The “Season” is over.
The commercials on TV are
No longer
about Christmas
No longer
about the celebration
No longer
about the joy.
No more Merry Merry
Loving Family
Happy Couple
Smiling Children
It’s almost as though
a switch
was flipped
a marketing switch
was flipped.
Which is fine
with me.
Right now
This moment
In time
it is
too much for me
the pain is
too much for me
So flipp the switch
and I will cope
much easier
It will be
much easier.
Tags: Christmas 2009, Clifford Grimes, Mr. Sack
Saturday, December 19th, 2009
More on The Pups and Christmas
About 2am I started feeling crummy – most probably from the infusion yesterday. Took some Tylenol and went back to sleep. I’ve been feeling crummy all day. Just hanging out at home.
I’ve been trying to find someone to watch the Pups, but everyone already has plans. People make their Holiday plans long in advance. They have their own Families and their own plans. And those plans do not include watching my Puppy Girls…
I’m gonna have my bag packed Just In Case Mom & Dad decide that they can “tolerate” my 2 dogs so that I can go and be with them in Corpus for Christmas. I’ll be ready to go!
This is a very difficult Christmas for me – with everything that has happened this past year – and I would Like to be with my Folks.
I’m understanding my Folks less and less… but I am still hoping…
Tags: Christmas 2009, Pups
Friday, December 11th, 2009
Spiritless
I have no Christmas Spirit.
I just don’t care.
My last few years have been such a roller coaster…
* Reconnecting with Mr. Sack in mid 2007
* Planning for a new life in a new city with the man I had held in my heart for over 30 yrs.
* Found the lump Feb 2008
* March 2008, after numerous reassurances that my weight was not an issue, even though I had lost 40lbs, Mr. Sack decided that I was fatter than he remembered, but he would “try and work through it”.
* Thinking I was fighting a “staph infection” for 8+ months with a plethora of antibiotics.
* The accidental loss of my beloved cat, Hardy, in Nov 2008 to a dog I had rescued several months earlier.
* Having to put Cole down because he had killed Hardy and I couldn’t find anyone to take him and I couldn’t keep him any longer.
* Diagnosed with cancer late Feb 2009.
* Dumped by Mr. Sack late April 2009.
* The discovery that several people whom I thought were Friends were not.
* Reconnecting with old Friends and finding strength in them.
* Loosing a job that I enjoyed, with a group of people who provided me with great spiritual and emotional strength and reassurance, which I truly truly appreciated.
Not to mentioned the numerous other “small” yet aggravating things that have continuously beaten me down.
All the time I am fighting this fight.
I just have no spirit left.
None.
Tags: Christmas 2009, Cliff Grimes, Clifford F Grimes, Clifford Grimes, Dallas, Mr. Sack
Wednesday, December 9th, 2009
Walking Wounded
Second week without my job
Second week
I feel so deflated
I’m trying to “get going”
but I am so very tired of being knocked down and getting back up
Over and over
and over
again
can’t I just stay down?
Tags: job, unemployment
Monday, December 7th, 2009
Second Week…
So starts my second week of unemployment…
I miss the camaraderie
I miss the emotional support
I miss the spiritual support
Being laid off sucks
Being laid off for no good reason sucks
Still sucks.
Tags: employment, job, unemployment
Monday, November 30th, 2009
Last Day
OMG
Today was Soooo bad.
It Just Sucked.
Seeing everyone who knew
was so hard.
Gong through my office one final time
was so hard.
Being there
was so hard.
I had to talk with my Manager, who had been out of town.
That was the last talk I ever wanted to have.
And I felt so betrayed.
I know it was out of his hands
But I would have thought that I deserved some notice of what was happening.
I would have Thought that.
THEN I find out that the employee who took the position
was not
an internal employee.
No.
She is a New Hire.
I have been with the company for 9 years.
I have worked this project for 20 months.
Yet
Someone who has never worked for the company
Who has not worked the project
Is deemed “a better fit” than I would be.
a better fit…
And all this was done within 2 weeks of my interview.
Within 2 weeks of the job I didn’t get…
So
Today Sucked.
Tags: employment, job, job interview, unemployment
Sunday, November 22nd, 2009
Listing
Dang… I have so much to think about now…
I’m so tired, emotionally spent.
Listing…
So much to do
So much to list…
* Have to contact the drug companies and update them…
Need to change my contact and mailing info and see how this unemployment affects my status and / or programs eligibility. Hopefully nothing to worry about.
* Check out unemployment, if I qualify.
Finding another job will be difficult due to my health situation. I often go in late cuz the mornings are difficult for me. Sometimes the headaches keep me up at night, or wake me up throughout the night; sometimes I get very little sleep, or I have to take sleeping aids so that my sleep is not real rest. I miss some work for Doctor appointments and have tests and procedures…
The meds have side effects like memory issues and balance problems and the Hand and Foot Syndrome has the tips of my fingers and toes ultra sensitive and splitting and I’m wearing band-aids and finger cots on my fingers.
I’ve applied for unemployment twice in my life, but never have collected cuz I always got a job before I got my benefits. This will be a new situation for me and not one that I am proud of.
* Need to get back onto Auctiva and start TeamDenise’s eBay account and start selling again.
I lost confidence in my selling in March of 2008. I need to get it back.
* Need to get my fundraiser project back on track.
Yes, I’m tired, yes I’m tired of feeling like a beggar… but it’s not getting done and I want to keep myself alive, so that means money. And there will be even less money than there was before, so I need to get out there and do it.
And
* Waiting for the results of my PET scan…
Scared of what they will showed. Hopeful, but so scared.
I’m so tired… but what can I do with this
Listing?
Tags: employment, fund, Fundraising, fundraising projects, job, unemployment
