Chemo Category

Tuesday, April 28th, 2009

Still Ill…

I’m still ill from chemo.  This has been the longest yet.  Almost 6 days.  Last Thursday til today (Tuesday).  How do people do this for months… years…?

My heart is still doing wonky things… skipping beats, extra beats, slowing down, racing.  I get surges of adrenaline, and have nothing to do with them except practice slow breathing to calm them down.

Still nauseous, still burping up noxious gas.  I’ve never been much of a Girly-girl, but this is just downright Gross.

My eyes are tearing, and I can still feel the toxicity in my tears… they burn my eyes.  The corners of my eyes are raw from the acrid liquid that my eyes are expelling.

I wish I had someone to hold me and tell me it was gonna be all right… someone I could believe.

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Sunday, April 26th, 2009

Darkened Nailbeds :-(

According to the Chemo Nurses, one of the (many) side effects of chemo that I would probably experience would be changes in my finger nails and toe nails.  That the beds of my nails would probably get discolored.

It’s happened.
Both my thumbs look like I smashed them with a hammer.

Ok, maybe not That bad… not the Whole nail bed.
Just the area by the cuticle, “only” about 1/4 of the whole nail.  So far.

But still…
It’s ugly.
this sucks… ~sigh~

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Saturday, April 25th, 2009

Hairless and Bareness

You’d think that “hair is hair”, but I’ve noticed that the hair on my body that has fallen out due to chemo, has reacted differently based on location.

I’ve never had to worry much about shaving my legs, I could go weeks, sometimes months without any major growth.  And the hair was on my calves, virtually nothing on my upper thighs.
Now I have no hair on my legs at all.
I still have hair on the knuckles of my toes, but not much.  I don’t have to shave them at this time – yes, many women shave their toe knuckles!

I’m an adult woman, and since puberty have maintained a somewhat groomed intimate area.  Basically – clean and tidy, adult with hair.
Now I am mostly bare, but not totally.  And I dislike this.  I like my hair.  I will not shave the remainder, I am holding on to whatever semblance of adult female that I have left.

My underarms have always grown fast and required shaving weekly at minimum.
Now I have Nothing – not one single hair.

I have always had a lovely thick head of hair.
and now… well, now I am bald.
But I’m not Totally bald, I am “patchy” bald… so I have to shave so I don’t look like something from Dr. Seuss.

Seems hair is particular about holding on and letting go…

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Friday, April 24th, 2009

Chemo Phase I, #4 – April 23 2009

It gets harder each time.  Harder and Harder

Longer to recover.

My body aches,my muscles, my bones, my head. The dizziness, round and round…
Harder to drag myself out of bed.
Out of bed, where I want to stay.
To sleep
Forever

It would be so easy to give up
After everything that’s happened this past week
But I can’t.
I won’t.
I will not.

The anti-nausea meds keep the vomiting at bay, but not the feeling of nauseousness… not the reaction of my body to attempt to rid itself of this evil fluid.  The natural reaction.

The damage this poisoning is doing will be with me for years…

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Thursday, April 23rd, 2009

Chemo Today

It’s 6:28am.
I should be in bed, still sleeping.

Chemo Today…
What a hard week it’s been, and now, chemo.
Again.

Since I don’t get paid if I don’t work, I scheduled my chemo treatments for Thursdays. Then I get my Neulasta shot on Friday – the Clinic is closed on weekends. So I only loose 2 days of work, 2 days of pay, 2 days of resources to keep me going.

I’m down for at least 2 days, in bed or dragging around like a limp rag, fight nausea and dizziness and headache and crazy heart reactions and general effects from being poisoned.  I hate it.  This Is So Barbaric.

This treatment is infusion #4 of Round 1 (aka Phase 1), supposedly the last infusions of the  Adriamycin and Cytoxan (aka A/C) combo.  If I decide to continue on this chemo path, in 2 more weeks I’ll move on to the “harder” infusion, the Taxol in Round 2.  I’ll need steroids for that Round… Steroids.

Oh, WHAT is being done to my body?  How did it Get To This??

My appointment today is for 10:30am, had my alarm set for 8:00am.  But the Pups woke me up barking about 6:00am… Good Pups, just doing their jobs.  It was the UPS, delivering my pre- and post-treatment meds of Emend, the anti-nausea meds.

I was supposed to get them yesterday, but the Doctor had not authorized refills for the remaining infusions, so we had to call in and get that approved.  WTH?

Yes, partly my fault, since I SHOULD have called in on last Friday, but with all this news, I just forgot..  I called them in on Tuesday, and talked with the ACT Rep, who said she would overnight them as soon as she got the info from the Dr.

So, I get them this morning.  A little after 6:00am.
Loosing precious sleep.

Once the chemo hits, I’ll be back in bed anyway…
Gaining poisoned sleep.

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Monday, April 13th, 2009

Chemo Follow-up #2 – Dr. Casimir

Today had follow-up #2 with the oncologist, Dr Casimir of Northwest Cancer Center.

Again, I spent more time with the nurse, Katy, than with the Dr herself.  Again – not much confidence.

I mentioned that I was still experiencing heart issues – palpitations, skipped beats, extra beats, racing.  Katy asked if they had done an EKG on me, I said no.  Nothing else was said about that.

I mentioned that I was still on my vitamin regime.  Katy seemed somewhat surprised to hear this, and stressed that I needed to stop taking vitamins as, according to Katy, vitamins lessen the effectiveness of chemotherapy.

WTH?  Seven weeks into chemo and this is just now being brought up.  I’ve never made a secret that I have, for the majority of my adult life, been on a progressive vitamin regime, and Now I’m told it works against chemo?  Just another reason for me to see chemo as an antiquated treatment and Dr. Casimir’s thinking as confined within “The Box”.

Regardless, I brought an “offering” of sorts for the Dr, a gift… a cute pink shoe/purse magnet set, since she is such a shoe fan.  Hoping, I guess, for some acknowledgment as a patient.

Maybe if I had insurance, maybe if I wasn’t there as a beggar.
And beggars can’t be choosers…

When I asked, I did get official notification that I am a Stage 3B.  About Flipping Time it was mentioned.

I looked up breast cancer stages, and got the following info…

Cancer stage is based on the size of the tumor, whether the cancer is invasive or non-invasive, whether lymph nodes are involved, and whether the cancer has spread beyond the breast.

Stage IIIB describes invasive breast cancer in which:

  • the tumor may be any size and has spread to the chest wall and/or skin of the breast AND
  • may have spread to axillary lymph nodes that are clumped together or sticking to other structures, or cancer may have spread to lymph nodes near the breastbone
  • Inflammatory breast cancer is considered at least stage IIIB.

Lovely.


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Saturday, April 11th, 2009

Chemo Phase I, #3 – April 09 2009

I am told that each time will be more difficult to recover from.  And it’s proving to be correct.

I ache with every movement. Skin, muscles, bones crawl with pain.  There is no comfort.

The dizziness catches me off guard, yet I should be prepared for it.  The headache is the stern reminder of what is coming. Throbbing.  Pounding.  Stabbing.

My body wretches with the urgency to expel this poison from my system.

This burning

searing

poisonous

liquid.

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Friday, April 10th, 2009

Happy Birthday

Today is my birthday.  49 years.

Today is the day after my 3rd chemo infusion of Phase I.
Today is the day I get my 3rd Neulasta injection.

They had Better be Gifts of Life.

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Friday, April 10th, 2009

I’ll Take Some Spice With That Chemo

Spicy Foods.

The Chemo Nurses told me told that is what is supposed to taste good.
Spicy.

Mexican, Indian, Thai, Cajun…
Good And Spicy.

It covers the chemo taste and gets the appetite going.

Good thing I liked it that way before.

Now if I can just convince my body that I want to eat.

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Thursday, April 9th, 2009

Control

It takes every bit of control for me to step out of the car when we arrive at the cancer center.

I takes every bit of control for me to hold my composure when the nurse comes to me with the bags of chemo, with the tubes, with the needles.

It takes every bit of control for me to go on…

I just want to run away and never look back.

But it’s in me now
and I know it’s gonna hit me shortly
and I need to be in bed when it does.

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