It has been So Dang Cold here, I can barely function.
I went out this afternoon, and walking to and from the Explorer left me chilled deep.
The cold weather didn’t used to bother me so much, I actually used to enjoy it. But since the chemo, and this current treatment, I feel the cold just biting into my body.
Can’t wait til it warms up some…
Finally got around to posting the photos of my finger and toe nail beds.
One result of the chemo infusions was that my finger and toe nails turned dark - looked like they were hit with a hammer.
Now that some time has passed since the chemo, the nails are no longer as dark as they were before, but they are very dry, and several have developed crack lines that run from the cuticle to the tip of the nail. I’m not looking forward to when those lines give out…
Also, my 2 large toe nails are separating from the nail bed. I guess it’s a good thing I stopped painting them when all this started cuz I’ll probably loose them both… I don’t think nails “spontaneously re-attach” hahaha 
For some reason, both of my pinkie toes are bright red… it must have something to do with the Hand-Foot Syndrome. Fun with cancer.
There’s really nothing I can do, though I am soaking my feet in cool water with Epson salts, just cuz it feels nice. And I’m trying to keep ample lotion on them.
I’d LOVE to go to get a pedicure, but I’m not sure if it would be the best idea to stick my feet in a public-used facility, regardless of sanitation, considering my situation. They’re so ugly right now anyway, I really don’t want them “out in public”…
So I just have to sit back and watch what is happening.
It’s a Nuclear Reaction Party and my Body is the Guest of Honor.
Tags: finger nails, Hand-Foot Syndrome, nail beds, toe nails
I’m still ill from chemo. This has been the longest yet. Almost 6 days. Last Thursday til today (Tuesday). How do people do this for months… years…?
My heart is still doing wonky things… skipping beats, extra beats, slowing down, racing. I get surges of adrenaline, and have nothing to do with them except practice slow breathing to calm them down.
Still nauseous, still burping up noxious gas. I’ve never been much of a Girly-girl, but this is just downright Gross.
My eyes are tearing, and I can still feel the toxicity in my tears… they burn my eyes. The corners of my eyes are raw from the acrid liquid that my eyes are expelling.
I wish I had someone to hold me and tell me it was gonna be all right… someone I could believe.
It gets harder each time. Harder and Harder
Longer to recover.
My body aches,my muscles, my bones, my head. The dizziness, round and round…
Harder to drag myself out of bed.
Out of bed, where I want to stay.
To sleep
Forever
It would be so easy to give up
After everything that’s happened this past week
But I can’t.
I won’t.
I will not.
The anti-nausea meds keep the vomiting at bay, but not the feeling of nauseousness… not the reaction of my body to attempt to rid itself of this evil fluid. The natural reaction.
The damage this poisoning is doing will be with me for years…
Tags: Adriamycin, Chemo Infusions, Cytoxan, nausea
I am told that each time will be more difficult to recover from. And it’s proving to be correct.
I ache with every movement. Skin, muscles, bones crawl with pain. There is no comfort.
The dizziness catches me off guard, yet I should be prepared for it. The headache is the stern reminder of what is coming. Throbbing. Pounding. Stabbing.
My body wretches with the urgency to expel this poison from my system.
This burning
searing
poisonous
liquid.
Tags: Adriamycin, Chemo Infusions, Cytoxan, nausea
It takes every bit of control for me to step out of the car when we arrive at the cancer center.
I takes every bit of control for me to hold my composure when the nurse comes to me with the bags of chemo, with the tubes, with the needles.
It takes every bit of control for me to go on…
I just want to run away and never look back.
But it’s in me now
and I know it’s gonna hit me shortly
and I need to be in bed when it does.
Tags: Control
this poison that slides
through my body
like a serpent
seeking its prey
acidly burning
its path
scorching
killing all
indiscriminate
wasteland
the purpose of living.
Tags: Poetry
Thursday was my second treatment of the A/C combo (Adriamycin, aka Red Devil and Cytoxan).
Mom and I bring games to play, while we’re waiting., to try and pass the time, to take my mind off of what is going into my body.
Watching that red liquid flow into my port is terrifying. The taste in my mouth is noxious. As advanced as we, as a civilization, are, WHY are we Still utilizing a treatment option that was given to the previous generations? It Can’t be because it works, because it kills as it “cures”.
I’m tired and there are no answers.
I’m going back to bed…
Tags: Adriamycin, Chemo Infusions, Cytoxan, nausea
This is horrible, this chemo.
Had to go and get my Neulasta shot this morning.
the Magic Potion.
The wound from the port-a-cath surgery had a hematoma, and the nurse had to press the area to get the fluid out.
It was Painful.
It hurts.
and
I hurt all over.
I wanna go back to sleep.
I ache, I hurt, I am nauseous, I wanna puke, I don’t wanna puke.
My head hurts, my eyes hurt, my skin hurts, I hurt…
My Bones Hurt.
Drink drink drink – more liquids.
Saltines please
Broth
Where’s the bucket?
Who thinks this is a good idea??
I wanna go back to sleep.
Tags: Adriamycin, Chemo Infusions, Cytoxan, nausea
Had my first chemo today.
The nurses were very nice, but the chemo itself was Horrible.
The feeling, the taste, the smell of that poison going into my body is just revolting.
I feel very sick and am going back to bed.
Tags: Adriamycin, Chemo Infusions, Cytoxan, nausea
