It has been So Dang Cold here, I can barely function.
I went out this afternoon, and walking to and from the Explorer left me chilled deep.
The cold weather didn’t used to bother me so much, I actually used to enjoy it. But since the chemo, and this current treatment, I feel the cold just biting into my body.
Can’t wait til it warms up some…
I remember when I was first diagnosed with cancer,
one of the first thoughts that came to me was
- maybe I’ll finally be able to loose some of this weight.
This weight I have struggled with
that has haunted me for years.
How sad is that,
that this was a thought that would
pop into my head
at this time
of health crisis.
And why?
Why am I not able to either
accept myself as I am
or
change myself to be what I would prefer.
Why is is such a struggle for me?
And why
is this such an important issue for others
to not accept me
for who I am
judging me
for other than the
things that make me…
me…
Tags: Clifford Grimes, Dallas, weight, weight loss
My hair is growing back pretty well.
It’s thick
and curly
and puffy
not like it was before
straight
I look like I stuck my thumb in my mouth
and blew
and my hair popped out
like a big dandelion puff
maybe someone will walk up
and blow
and puff all my chemo hair
away
Tags: hair, Hair changes
Dealing with the Roche Patient Assistance Foundation for Xeloda has been a Roller Coaster ride…
First I’m “preliminarily” approved via the initial phone interview
Then come to find out that I was denied
Then I appealed
Finally I was approved
And Now…
Yesterday morning at work (Friday), I got a letter from Roche stating that they felt I should have pursued another resource for financial assistance before I went to them. They advised me to contact Texas Health and Human Resources requesting assistance. If I apply and I am not approved, then Roche will reconsider my situation.
I have 30 days to do this. After 30 days, my drug assistance for Xeloda will end.
WTHeck?
My hair is growing back. I’m not quite sure how I feel about this…
On the one hand, I’m really glad to have it coming back. As a woman, not having hair was rather de-feminizing. That’s why I wore headbands and put cute pins on them, to add a touch of “girlieness” to the baldness. Also increased the amount of eye makeup I wore, and got larger, more ornate earings. Overall, a nice effect.
Being bald was not that bad to adjust to, and without the circumstances, it was interesting and “freeing”. Freeing to not worry about my hair, was I having a good or bad hair day. Every day was a “no hair day”…
My friend, Tim, came over the other day, and he told me that I am rocking the lesbian look. Ok, now I’m pretty sure that not all lesbians have short butchy haircuts… plus, I’m not lesbian. He did say it was kinda sexy… so – Yah, Thanks Tim!
On the other hand, being bald was like a sign that I am sick, that I am battling. Since I don’t look like the “typical” cancer victim of thin and frail, my bald head was what signaled that I am at war…
I stopped to get coffee on the way to the Dr the other morning, and the gal asked what I was up to for the day. I mentioned that I was going to the Dr and she asked if I was sick. I looked at her and said, I have cancer, that’s why I have no hair. And she told me that she just thought I had a really short haircut. I started to cry. I couldn’t help it. I know it made her feel bad, but I couldn’t help it.
It’s not that being bald is my identity, it’s that I have come to see it as a symbol, a symbol that I am fighting. Being bald is the one thing that openly displays the fight I am engaged in… and the symbol is being removed… but the cancer is not removed and I am still fighting… still fighting.
What can I say… I’m just not sure how I feel about it.
My hair is growing back regardless of how I feel…
Tags: Hair changes, hair regrowth
Finally got around to posting the photos of my finger and toe nail beds.
One result of the chemo infusions was that my finger and toe nails turned dark - looked like they were hit with a hammer.
Now that some time has passed since the chemo, the nails are no longer as dark as they were before, but they are very dry, and several have developed crack lines that run from the cuticle to the tip of the nail. I’m not looking forward to when those lines give out…
Also, my 2 large toe nails are separating from the nail bed. I guess it’s a good thing I stopped painting them when all this started cuz I’ll probably loose them both… I don’t think nails “spontaneously re-attach” hahaha 
For some reason, both of my pinkie toes are bright red… it must have something to do with the Hand-Foot Syndrome. Fun with cancer.
There’s really nothing I can do, though I am soaking my feet in cool water with Epson salts, just cuz it feels nice. And I’m trying to keep ample lotion on them.
I’d LOVE to go to get a pedicure, but I’m not sure if it would be the best idea to stick my feet in a public-used facility, regardless of sanitation, considering my situation. They’re so ugly right now anyway, I really don’t want them “out in public”…
So I just have to sit back and watch what is happening.
It’s a Nuclear Reaction Party and my Body is the Guest of Honor.
Tags: finger nails, Hand-Foot Syndrome, nail beds, toe nails
At least I’m HOPING so!
As I mentioned before, one thing “they” don’t tell you about chemo, is that you will – for the most part and cuz it looks and feels better – want to shave your head when you start to loose your hair. At least I did.
I have actually enjoyed being bald, if it were not for the circumstances. And I’m considering keeping my hair Very short for the time being, at least until this whole situation has some type of resolution..
I was told that chemo starts to “leave” my body after about 1 month, and I should start to “recover” after about 3 to 6 months. My last chemo treatment was April 23, so I guess I’m lucky that my hair seems like it’s trying to come back “already”…
I have noticed that the hair under my arms has started to regrow, so I wanted to see just how well the hair on my head has recovered.
The last time I shaved my head was June 28… and this is what I have so far…
My hair is growing back. 8 Photos After a few days of not shaving... we seem to have good growth! 9 Photos I stopped shaving my head on June 28, let's see what happens... 5 Photos As time goes by, so grows my hair! 5 Photos
These can also be found (permanently) in:
Tags: hair, Hair changes
I’m seeing some more changes in my (left) breast. My nipple seems to be peeking out, not so much pulled inwards and has regained much sensitivity.
The areola also seems to have “loosened up” somewhat, especially on the inner side. It is less “puckery” and more normal looking and feeling.
Not sure if these changes are totally due to the chemo, partially chemo and partially new treatment, or totally new treatment – but they are good to see!
I can only Hope they are due to the new treatment.
Tags: breast changes
FINALLY got around to downloading these photos of the chemo treatments I have endured. Less than many other patients, but more than I care to repeat. Chemo is a Horrible method of treatment, one of the most barbaric forms of medicine. Just looking back over these photos makes me ill… I can smell the chemicals, feel the burning, my head hurts and my stomach turns.
I Truly Do Not Believe That Chemo Is The Path To A Cure.
The link is here “Chemo Treatments“, located in photos – - medical-related photos – - chemo treatments
May 22 2009
I’m missing a couple of treatments – they are on another camera, and I will try to have them up within the next day or so….
Tags: chemo treatment photos
Up early after being “deathly” sick the past 2 days. Killing time…
Being a woman, I got my priorities all screwy. Before other pictures, I’ve downloaded my hair photos – or loss of hair photos.
It’s weird going through those photos and reliving the experience. I look at myself and I remember what is coming up next…
But I don’t know what is coming up in the future
for me.
How much of a future
do I have…
Are the decisions I’m making
the right ones
for me…
I can only Hope… I can only Believe.
The link is here “Hair Changes“, located in photos – - personal-photos – - hair changes
May 21 2009
I’m working on my treatment photos and will have them up within the next day or so….
Tags: Hair changes
