November, 2009
Monday, November 30th, 2009
OMG
Today was Soooo bad.
It Just Sucked.
Seeing everyone who knew
was so hard.
Gong through my office one final time
was so hard.
Being there
was so hard.
I had to talk with my Manager, who had been out of town.
That was the last talk I ever wanted to have.
And I felt so betrayed.
I know it was out of his hands
But I would have thought that I deserved some notice of what was happening.
I would have Thought that.
THEN I find out that the employee who took the position
was not
an internal employee.
No.
She is a New Hire.
I have been with the company for 9 years.
I have worked this project for 20 months.
Yet
Someone who has never worked for the company
Who has not worked the project
Is deemed “a better fit” than I would be.
a better fit…
And all this was done within 2 weeks of my interview.
Within 2 weeks of the job I didn’t get…
So
Today Sucked.
Tags: employment, job, job interview, unemployment
Posted in anger, Coping, Emotions, employment, frustration, Other Things, Overload, sadness, Stress, tired, venting | 1 Comment »
Sunday, November 29th, 2009
I made it back home to Houston
returning from a pleasant vacation in Corpus
To be at work tomorrow
for one day
my last day
After 20 months
in the group
on the projects
Had to come back
to work the one day
One Day
So that I qualified for the yearly “bonus”
which is given
in lieu of vacation time.
I’ll get 1% of my salary
Which, due to time lost because of my situation
will equal approximately
1/2 week of pay.
Better than nothing…
but
This sucks.
Posted in anger, Emotions, employment, frustration, sadness, scared, tired | 1 Comment »
Wednesday, November 25th, 2009
Got the results from Dr Deleon today and I have to say that I am Happy.
Very Happy.
Very.
Very.
Happy.
The Results…
Interpretation of scan via Burzynski Clinic (treatment clinic)
The follow-up study again shows a parenchymal density involving the left breast with minimal activity. This has significantly decreased since the previous study. The size also has decreased when compared with the previous study of 08/10/09. It is difficult to have an accurate measurement due to the difficulty in separating the normal tissues from the abnormally active parenchymal tissue. No axillary lymphadenopathy is present. No other abnormal hypermetabolic activity is identified in the chest. No enlarged lymph nodes are shown in the mediasternum… Again noted is a sclerotic lesion involving the ribs, spine and pelvic bones, suggesting osseous metastatic disease. These are not hypermetabolic.
CHEST: STW
Left breast mass: 20% decrease since previous (August 2009); 47% decrease since baseline (April 2009)
Report via Houston Medical Imaging (scanning facility)
IMPRESSION
PET CT scan is negative for definite active neoplastic disease. Left axillary lymph nodes have completely resolved and changes noted within the left breast are consistent with post therapy fibrosis. Osteoblastic bone lesions exhibit no measurable hypermetabolic activity.
No Current Abnormal Hypermetabolic Activity.
Dr. Deleon has been Very Clear in cautioning me – this is Not remission, this is Not cured.
Supposedly, the cancer is currently Dormant.
Dormant.
Treatment Must Continue.
I will continue to do so as long as I can afford it.
So… things appear to be going well.
For now.
For this I am Extremely Thankful.
Thank you for your support
Thank you for the strength of your prayers, kind words of encouragement and good wishes.
Please Don’t Stop.
Scans of the full reports:
Tags: Houston Medical Imaging, PET Scan, PET/CT Scan, scan
Posted in hope, Results, scared, Tests | 3 Comments »
Tuesday, November 24th, 2009
My PCP‘s office faxed my lab results…
Last Friday (Nov 20 2009), I had the bloodwork drawn to track my tumor markers. It was draw #7. I’ve been having pretty good results to-date, some ups some downs…
This blood draw was for the monthly tests (most specifically my CEA Tumor Markers) AND for the 3 month test, which include the EGFR (Epidermal Growth Factor Receptor) and the HER2 (Human Epidermal Growth Factor Receptor)… The standard monthly tests come back fairly quickly, but the additional HER2 and EGFR are sent off and they take longer to get results back.
* April 15, my baseline CEA tumor markers were 63.1 ng/mL (nanograms per milliliter). This is High, as Norm is 0.0-3.0 ng/mL.
I honestly don’t know how high “really high” is, but – in my internet searching – I read one gal talk about the mid-200′s, so I guess my high is not That high, but It’s High To me.
* June 03, my 2nd draw CEA tumor markers were 35.9 ng/mL
* July 03, my 3rd draw CEA tumor markers were 12.8 ng/mL
* August 27, my 4th draw CEA tumor markers were 3.9 ng/mL
* September 18, my 5th draw CEA tumor markers were 3.3 ng/mL
* October 16, my 6th CEA tumor markers are 3.2 ng/mL
* November 20, my 7th CEA tumor markers are 2.7 ng/mL
2.7!! A .5 DECREASE from last month and That Puts Me Into NORMAL Range! Normal!!
As always, I’m unsure, but this (CEA: The Test) continues to answer Some of my questions…
Still hoping that this all means Something Good… Something that will be reflected on the PET scan results… Still waiting on them.
My Other Numbers as of November 20 2009 blood test results:
* CA-125: 11 U/mL (Reference @ 0-35)
a 1 point INCREASE – up from 10 U/mL from October’s draw, I’m not sure how to feel about this… I’m not happy, but don’t know whether to be worried or not as it is still well within the normal range, in fact is very low normal range. But another increase Does worry me.
* CA 15-3: 21 U/mL (Reference @ <32)
a 5 point INCREASE – up from from 16 U/mL from October’s draw; I’m still within the normal range, but am getting higher and its scary.
* CA 27.29 (see CA15-3 above): 27 U/mL (Reference @ <38)
a 3 point DECREASE – down from 30 U/mL from October’s draw. Good to see it down a bit, especially since last month as an 11 point increase! I’m still within normal ranges, though I am in the high end of normal now.
The CA 27.29 test is used to monitor your:
- Response to treatment
- Status of your cancer
- Possibility of early recurrence
I am still dealing with this cancer
Still fighting for my life
I can Not become complacent and forget this is
My Life.
Stress… coming at me from all around these days.
Again… chill out.
Again… easy to say.
I am so scared. Never stop being so scared.
Visualizing my Dragons
my Warrior Dragons
Breathing fire,
Burning each evil cell
Burning, burning, burning
Into ash.
Burning Burning Burning Each Evil Cell.
Tags: Blood Tests, Tumor Markers
Posted in frustration, Results, scared, Stress, Tests, tired | 1 Comment »
Monday, November 23rd, 2009
Today at work
Sucked
I’m going through my outstanding projects
Trying to get stuff finished
So that the new Admin
Isn’t overwhelmed.
And cleaning my office.
My contract company told me the position was filled in-house, so I remind myself that this is the way it works. ExxonMobil looks out for “its own” first. It would be different if they were going outside to fill the position.
Gotta maintain a good attitude and hope for another position like this one.
Meanwhile Mom is really riding me about going to Corpus for ThanksGiving. I’m Trying to find someone to watch the Girls (my dogs), but she is relentless in her pushing.
More Stress.
Thanks.
Tags: employment, ExxonMobil, job, ThanksGiving, unemployment
Posted in Coping, employment, frustration, Mom, sadness, scared, Stress, tired | 1 Comment »
Sunday, November 22nd, 2009
Dang… I have so much to think about now…
I’m so tired, emotionally spent.
Listing…
So much to do
So much to list…
* Have to contact the drug companies and update them…
Need to change my contact and mailing info and see how this unemployment affects my status and / or programs eligibility. Hopefully nothing to worry about.
* Check out unemployment, if I qualify.
Finding another job will be difficult due to my health situation. I often go in late cuz the mornings are difficult for me. Sometimes the headaches keep me up at night, or wake me up throughout the night; sometimes I get very little sleep, or I have to take sleeping aids so that my sleep is not real rest. I miss some work for Doctor appointments and have tests and procedures…
The meds have side effects like memory issues and balance problems and the Hand and Foot Syndrome has the tips of my fingers and toes ultra sensitive and splitting and I’m wearing band-aids and finger cots on my fingers.
I’ve applied for unemployment twice in my life, but never have collected cuz I always got a job before I got my benefits. This will be a new situation for me and not one that I am proud of.
* Need to get back onto Auctiva and start TeamDenise’s eBay account and start selling again.
I lost confidence in my selling in March of 2008. I need to get it back.
* Need to get my fundraiser project back on track.
Yes, I’m tired, yes I’m tired of feeling like a beggar… but it’s not getting done and I want to keep myself alive, so that means money. And there will be even less money than there was before, so I need to get out there and do it.
And
* Waiting for the results of my PET scan…
Scared of what they will showed. Hopeful, but so scared.
I’m so tired… but what can I do with this
Listing?
Tags: employment, fund, Fundraising, fundraising projects, job, unemployment
Posted in anger, Coping, Emotions, frustration, Fundraisers, Nutrition, Overload, sadness, scared, Stress, tired, venting, Warriors | No Comments »
Sunday, November 22nd, 2009
Happy Birthday, Mr. Sack.
I wish you the gift of devastation that you gave me – total and complete destruction of my self-confidence, self-esteem and self-worth.
You Suck.
Tags: Cliff Grimes, Clifford F Grimes, Clifford Grimes, Dallas, Mr. Sack
Posted in anger, Emotions, heartbroken, rejection, sadness, Special People, Totally Non-cancer Related | No Comments »
