It’s surreal.
Being this sick – stage 3b – and carrying on with life. Watching those around me oblivious to my turmoil, my dilemma, my panic.
Going through motions of my daily routine. A routine dealing with the addition of medication, dietary and lifestyle changes due to this disease. Maintaining a life when the question of time remains forefront in my thoughts.
I see things differently now. Knowing that whenever I am… gone… now, later… life goes on with or without me. It will move on and my shadow will fade. How quickly my shadow will fade…
I look at my life and I contemplate what I’ve accomplished, what dreams I have or have not fulfilled…
I am well aware of the many bad choices I’ve made.
Not applying myself as I was perfectly able, and finishing school… not getting an education in a field that I have passion for, and being successfully employed in that field. I’ve sailed through life and foolishly squandered my talents.
I am a secretary, living pay-to-paycheck. Survival, a basic enjoyment, but without passion. Life deserves passion.
I should have done better for myself.
Not allowing myself to fall in love, to fall for the right guy, to keep both my heart and my eyes opened to the possibilities around me. To never know that my well-being is of utmost importance to the one I have pledged to. To feel honored when he looks at me with love. To build a life and a family to be proud of.
I help up a standard that was based on fantasy. A man I thought I knew, but who’s attributes were conjured in my mind. Holding all others up to him in comparison, none to be able to measure up to my belief in who he was… Believing with all my heart, without condition… believing in faireytales. Only to find in reality that he was nothing which I imagined – his promises were empty and his standards shallow.
I should have done better for myself.
Not staying in better touch with those people in my life who are the most important. Family, old friend, new friends… They who accepted me, as I am – faults, flaws, imperfections… my poorly followed-through, well-meaned intentions… a profound desire to live morally and fairly and do the right thing… sense of justice and injustice… black, white, pale shades of grey… always blanketing my life with the comfort of laughter and humor and general goofiness.
I grew complacent and when pursuing other interests, adventures, I unintentionally neglected those who cared for me. Allowing the reassurance and strength enjoyed from true and lasting relationships to slip trough my fingers like the proverbial sands of time…
I should have done better for myself.
Yes, I have many regrets, and – no matter the length of my string, when Fate decrees that Atropos cut, it is far too late to begin to balance the scales…
Yes, at the end of the day, when it is dark and I am alone… I mourn.
Yes, I should have done better for myself.
Tags: reflections
This is amazingly beautiful……I will continue to pray for you and remember our times, although long ago, with great clarity.
Denise, I have many of the same regrets you do, with one big exception being that I am blessed to have a wonderful loving husband who is able to look past my many faults. We are the same age, and I am still trying to finish an Associate’s degree (in Horticulture, only 2 classes to go now). I also squandered the years I should have been going to school. If I had, I would be doing some sort of environmental protection or restoration work now instead of working at a desk for RadioShack. I have also neglected family and friends because I was too busy with my own pursuits. Like you, I can’t change those things. I just try to do better every day. Most of us are blithely unaware of the string that is running out. I don’t know if that is a blessing or a curse.
I’m very grateful that we have reconnected, though I wish it had been much sooner.
We all have regrets! It is normal! It also is normal for our regrets to be magnified when we are going through something traumatic and life altering, or facing death. If you did not have regrets I would be more worried about you!
We all have to face our own regrets the best we can, and FORGIVE ourselves! Then, pick ourselves up, and carry on. Just know, that regardless of how important or unimportant you think you are does not dictate how important you REALLY are to others! I know that I will NEVER forget you! Regardless if you die tomorrow or live to be 102, you have touched my life and I am a different person because of it. Relationships and friendships change with what we need out of the situation. Ever relationship fulfills something that we, AND the other person in that relationship need at that point in our lives. Just as we change, so to do relationships and friendships. Just because these changes have occurred does not diminish the importance of the relationship to both persons in the relationship.
I know it is hard to stay positive but I truely believe that the more positive you stay the better you can cope with your cancer. (Lord knows I should take my own advice, I am constantly having to remind myself to think positively and not be so pessimistic!!! It is easier for me to have positive thinking for others than myself, I have a feeling you and I are much alike in that manner!)
There’s a saying that I remember well because my mother had a plaque that she constantly used for inspiration and (at times) enlightenment, when all else failed her.
“Today is the first day … of the rest of your life”
The question with that is: What are you going to do from here?
She used it to question her mindset at that particular moment. It doesn’t matter the circumstances, background, age, gender, economic class, and more. What matters is what we do for ourselves, how we react to those speed bumps in life.
People who are alcoholics, into drugs (and I even mean those who aren’t heavy into it, but think it doesn’t hurt them too), or, in despair, poverty, depression and any number of others things …. looking backwards keeps the wounds open. Especially the self-inflicted ones. Yes, it’s good to kow where we come from, but it’s inevitible that we are moving towards the future. Whether it ends today or well into our golden years, no matter what, today – right now – is the beginning of the rest of our life.
When we get to the end, how do we want to see ourself? Happy? Or sad? Did we do our best? from this moment forth? Or, (like my own mother) did they – to the end – cling to something from their past that really never was true (in their best interests)?
Like Christie mentioned, you’ve made a difference in (many, many) peoples lives (lifes?). A couple years back, I remember looking for something resembling a gaming group that we (wife and I) could attend half-way regularly. If nothing else, just get outside the home and try something new … and the games definitely were “different” (strategy games were never imagined)
Those are good things.
In the end, we are all cursed …. to eventually drift away and out of site. It doesn’t (really?) matter the means that got us there. But it’s the journey to that point. No matter what, keep moving forward. Learn something new. Touch someones heart. Fall in fall … with someone or something similarly related. Forgive yourself. Give of ourself without ever needing anything in return. Nothing! For that is the uptimate gift you can give to yourself and a display of love to yourself that no one can ever take. UNconditional!!! When you give unconditionally, without return ever expected, you also GIVE to yourself. No one is perfect. And that’s the humerous part if we really look inside ourselves. Stern expectations of others is usually because something is lacking in us. Today is the first day one can turn that around and start living a happier, more fuller life.
That Beatle’s song … The Love you make .. is equal .. to the Love you take (with you) …..
It’s NEVER too late (to change the way we think and ..) to be the person we always wanted to be.
Hang in there and SMILE about the good things. Past, present, and future.
Dean (and V).
Janice – Thank you so much, I appreciate your comments and your prayers. Throughout the years, I have often thought of you and wondered how you are. Glad to see that life has treated you well.
denise
Surviving…
Cherie’ – You are very Blessed to have found a man who will stand by you. I Thought I had, but he turned out to be shallow and heartless.
The length of my string was of no real concern “before”, now it is almost a preoccupation…
Let’s keep in touch
denise
Surviving…
Christy – Yes, I know we all have regrets, but we don’t often have to face them knowing that time might be so limited.
Thanks for your kind words, they are very touching… I Love You, GirlFriend – your Friendship has and continues to mean so Very Much to me!
denise
Surviving…
Dean – What am I going to do from here? Well, Trying to survive for one *lol* That pretty much takes all of my time and efforts right now. The medications, the financials, the every day managing of this situation…
After that, well… probably look into going back to school.
Thanks for the words of encouragement, I treasure your and Virginia’s Friendship
denise
Surviving…
Christy – thanks for the link on Positive Thinking – great article! You know that I do TRY to stay positive, but sometimes… well, sometimes it’s just more than I can handle alone.
denise
Surviving…