It’s surreal.

Being this sick – stage 3b – and carrying on with life.  Watching those around me oblivious to my turmoil, my dilemma, my panic.

Going through motions of my daily routine.  A routine dealing with the addition of medication, dietary and lifestyle changes due to this disease.  Maintaining a life when the question of time remains forefront in my thoughts.

I see things differently now. Knowing that whenever I am… gone… now, later… life goes on with or without me.  It will move on and my shadow will fade. How quickly my shadow will fade…

I look at my life and I contemplate what I’ve accomplished, what dreams I have or have not fulfilled…

I am well aware of the many bad choices I’ve made.

Not applying myself as I was perfectly able, and finishing school… not getting an education in a field that I have passion for, and being successfully employed in that field. I’ve sailed through life and foolishly squandered my talents.

I am a secretary, living pay-to-paycheck. Survival, a basic enjoyment, but without passion.  Life deserves passion.

I should have done better for myself.

Not allowing myself to fall in love, to fall for the right guy, to keep both my heart and my eyes opened to the possibilities around me. To never know that my well-being is of utmost importance to the one I have pledged to.  To feel honored when he looks at me with love. To build a life and a family to be proud of.

I help up a standard that was based on fantasy. A man I thought I knew, but who’s attributes were conjured in my mind.  Holding all others up to him in comparison, none to be able to measure up to my belief in who he was… Believing with all my heart, without condition… believing in faireytales. Only to find in reality that he was nothing which I imagined – his promises were empty and his standards shallow.

I should have done better for myself.

Not staying in better touch with those people in my life who are the most important.  Family, old friend, new friends… They who accepted me, as I am – faults, flaws, imperfections… my poorly followed-through, well-meaned intentions… a profound desire to live morally and fairly and do the right thing… sense of justice and injustice… black, white, pale shades of grey… always blanketing my life with the comfort of laughter and humor and general goofiness.

I grew complacent and when pursuing other interests, adventures, I unintentionally neglected those who cared for me.  Allowing the reassurance and strength enjoyed from true and lasting relationships to slip trough my fingers like the proverbial sands of time…

I should have done better for myself.

Yes, I have many regrets, and – no matter the length of my string, when Fate decrees that Atropos cut, it is far too late to begin to balance the scales…

Yes, at the end of the day, when it is dark and I am alone… I mourn.

Yes, I should have done better for myself.